Happy Endings for the Greatest Nerds in Movie History

No, this is not some type of story about a massage parlor in Chinatown.

Instead, have you ever wondered what happened to your favorite nerdy characters after the movie ends?  Did they end up with the cliched ending of marrying the cheerleader and having 6 children?  Did the years of torment cause them to gun down a group of shoppers at the local mall?  Are the now serving as the CEO of a major company?

Well, wonder no more.  A group of internet entrepreneurs led by Paul Pfiefer, Arvid Engan, and Vinnie Delpino are set to launch a new website called MrScreetch.com that will chronicle all the best nerdy scenes in cinema history.  More importantly, the site will include a “Where are they now?” section which was leaked to The Red Stapler Chronicles by a disgruntled web designer.  Here are some of the highlights:

Louis Tully from Ghostbusters–Louis is still married to Janine (the former secretary) and now serves as CFO of Ghostbusters Incorporated.  In 2008, the couple celebrated the birth of their third child.  Winston joins brother Egon and sister Zuul in this happy family.  Louis still makes some supplementary income by making appearances as the fifth Ghostbuster from time to time,

Eugene Felnic from Grease–After divorcing Cha Cha DiGregorio for infidelity in 1999, Eugene married Frenchie in 2003.  Eugene is now a famous video game designer for Protovision and the happy couple live in Sunnydale, California.

Lucas Blye from Lucas–Lucas became a millionaire at age 16 after successfully suing the football coach and school district for letting him play without parental consent.  Unfortunately, this was not enough to lure his beloved Maggie from Cappie.  But don’t shed any tears for Lucas.  He is now a prominent Entomologist at UCLA and is known to “tutor” a different co-ed every semester.

Chuck Sherman from American Pie–Those who payed attention to the sequels know that the Sherminator is now a successful guidance counselor and YES, he is still with Nadia.  What you probably don’t know is that Sherman recently launched a webcam site (staring Nadia among other hotties) that has made him millions.  Chuck is also considering running for Governor of California.

Wyatt Donnelly from Weird Science–Finally started going through puberty in 2003, Wyatt is thoroughly enjoying himself with the local dating scene and his answering machine currently states that he is taking a shower with his latest Lisa.  Wyatt designed the software that most plastic surgeons use to simulate the results of a breast enlargement.

Napoleon Dynamite–After dating Deb throughout High School, the sweethearts went to different colleges and could not make it work.  Luckily for Napoleon, Lafawndu introduced him to her sister, Malkeisha who was very impressed with his killer dance moves.  Napoleon and Malkeisha were married in 2008 and just welcomed their first child, Rico, to their family.  Also, Napoleon plans to serve as Pedro’s campaign manager for the Idaho state senate.

Data Wang from The Goonies–Data ended up following up in his father’s footsteps and become a prominent inventor.  Among Data’s more successful inventions–The Ipod, the Kindle, and of course the Sham Wow (german engineered my ass!!!).  More recently, Data financed a journey to find One Eyed Willie’s secret treasure stash in the South Pacific.  The Discovery Channel plans to broadcast this modern day treasure hunt on a new reality show planned for the fall of 2010.

Klitz for The Girl Next Door–Two words:  Porn star.  Enough said.

Kyle Edwards from Road Trip–Married college sweetheart Rhonda in 2004.  The two now run a very successful plus size risque lingerie company called Cheetah Wear.  Named to the Ithica Hall of Distinguished Alumni earlier this year and is being considered for next years Dancing with the Stars.

Pee Wee from Porky’s–After 20 years of courting her, Pee-Wee finally convinced Wendy Williams to marry him in 2002.   Pee-Wee is now owns a successful night club of his own in Angel Beach named Balbricker’s Beauties.

Spaz from Meatballs–Finally gave up on his attempt to make “stacking” an Olympic event, Spaz has now assumed 100% control of Camp Northstar.  Under his leadership, Camp North Star has defeated Camp Mohawk in the last 7 Olympiads.  Spaz also made history as one of the first Americans to have Lasik surgery.

Ronald Miller from Can’t Buy Me Love–Did buy a new telescope after graduating from high school and majored in Astronomy at the University of Arizona.  Ronald now works on a classified project for NASA.  Ronald is a proud supported of the arts and donates thousands to PBS every year.  And yes, he is married to Cindy Mancini