As the Occupy Wall Street protesters continue to live in Zuccotti park in New York’s financial district, many people are wondering exactly what the group hopes to accomplish. Fortunately, the public does not have to wonder anymore as one of my spies have obtained a complete list of the protester’s demands.
1. Effective immediately, Netflix must be forced to revoke their price increases and return to their old pricing structure.
2. All Chapstick tubes will be required to have a Surgeon General Warning concerning the addictiveness of the popular lip balm.
3. A special screening of A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas will occur in the center of Zuccotti park, free of charge for all protesters.
4. MTV must be forced to stop producing future episodes of The Jersey Shore.
5. Pittsburgh, Syracuse, and West Virginia must return to the Big East conference.
6. Festivus is recognized as a national holiday and the current Commander and Chief must complete a Feat of Strength to remain in office.
7. The Monday after the Superbowl will be established as a national holiday and if the game goes into overtime the holiday will extend to Tuesday.
8. New episodes of Baywatch must be produced starting in February 2012.
9. Chick-Fil-A will be forced to open on Sundays.
10. All protesters will be issued Snuggies to help keep warm during the cold, winter nights in NYC.
11. Angry Birds must be re-developed in a way in which if you fail to pass a level 100 times, you will automatically pass it the 101st time, no matter how you aim the birds.
12. Lindsay Lohan must receive a full pardon so that she can give her full attention and detail to her upcoming Playboy pictorial.
13. Kim Kardashian must be ordered to return all wedding gifts that she received during her 72 day marriage.
14. All Justin Bieber’s assets should be seized and redistributed to the poorest 0.1%. And of course, Bieber should be deported back to Canada.
15. All smart phones must be reprogrammed to recognize the words, Chewbacca, Obama, and JoePa.
16. A special shower-cam will be set up in Pennsylvania State Prison to watch Jerry Sandusky receive his proper justice.
Jersey Shore: Occupy Seaside