How Sesame Street Could Save America

It is time for America to get real and perform an enormous gut check–Our 2 political party system just does not work.  Every time I turn on the news it features Obama criticizing some Republican congressman or vice versa.  The end result is constant fighting and bickering and very little action.

Fortunately, a third party has been secretly emerging for the last forty years under the guise of the Public Broadcasting Service.  Yes, on September 20th, The Sesame Street political party will reveal itself and announce that it will enter the 2012 presidential race.  The Red Stapler Chronicles has recently uncovered an internal Children Television Workshop memo that indicates which Sesame Street character will hold each office.

President Count von Count (aka The Count)

Who better than this mathematical genius to lead our country in these tough economic times?  Besides, in case you live in some kind of cave, America has gone vampire crazy and The Count would certainly be able to unify our country.  The Count’s thousands of hours of experience running the Red Cross Blood Division also has given him some important insights on how to solve our nation’s health care problems.

Vice President Big Bird

Many pundits had simply written off Big Bird’s political future when he continued his steadfast insistence that Snuffleupagus was real.  Despite years of derision and ridicule, Big Bird remained loyal to his friend and was finally vindicated in 1985.  Since then, Big Bird has been an relentless advocate for raising money for heart disease research foundation, called the Mr. Hooper Fund.  In addition, standing at 8’2″, Big Bird would not have to worry about disappearing in the President’s enormous shadow.

Secretary of State Grover

The time has arrived for our nation’s first blue Secretary of State.  With Grover’s ability to turn into Super Grover at will, he would be able to save the government millions of dollars in air travel expenses, since he could just fly from country to country.  Who better to be tough on terrorism than a superhero?

Treasury Secretary Cookie Monster

Let’s face it, the United State’s economy is all about out of control consumerism.  We shop and charge without abandon and thoughts of how we will eventually pay our credit cards.  Cookie Monster understands our plight.  He has to struggle every day not too eat his ten times his body weight in cookies.  A wise man once said that only a former addict can help a current one.  Consequently, Cookie Monster is the only one who can help our country stop our destructive economic behaviors and forge a new future.

Secretary of Defense Elmo

If any country decides to challenge the United States, we will now have a new non-nuclear, but probably even more potent option.  Simple infiltrate the enemy’s radio and television signals and subject them to 24/7 Elmo.  Within hours, an unconditional surrender would take place with minimal casualties (only those that killed themselves to stop the annoying Elmo voice).

Attorney General Ernie

When most people think of Ernie they think of Rubber Duckie and his chuckling laugh.  What they don’t know is that behind the scenes in Sesame Street, Ernie served as the Assistant DA who specialized in prosecuting hate crimes against gay puppets in the Red Light Section of Sesame Street also known as Gordonville.

Secretary of the Interior Oscar the Grouch

Oscar the Grouch has been in the sanitation business his entire life–literally.  Usually this type of background would cause concerns of innuendos of organized crime, but Oscar the Grouch integrity can not be questioned.

Secretary of Health and Human Services Kermit the Frog

The number one threat to our country right now–Swine Flu.  Who has been able to avoid the Swine Flu for over forty years despite VERY close contact with pigs?  That’s right, Kermit the Frog.  Game over!

White House Press Secretary Guy Smiley

Guy Smiley will easily be able to charm the White House press core like his game show audiences.  If a scandal occurs, America’s favorite game show host would be able to distract the general public by revealing what is behind door number 2.

C.I.A. Director Forgetful Jones

Mr. Jones has NEVER revealed a confidential source.  In 1998 he was captured by Al Qaeda, he gave absolutely no information, despite them cutting off 4 of his fingers.

White House Chief of Staff Bert

Anyone that really knows politics knows that the White House Chief of Staff is the second most powerful person in Washington.  This person must be a great negotiator, organizer, gatekeeper, and even a little evil.  I think everyone would agree that I just described Bert.