For better or for worse, money does make the world go round. Not surprisingly, most of the problems that the United States currently has could be resolved with an influx of cash. Unfortunately, politicians have struggled and debated for years on how to generate this money without any good results.
However, there is hope America. I have come up with a 12 step plan that will certainly bring about an economic renewal.
1. Deport Justin Bieber to Canada. When his 7 million fans start to complain, simply request $75 each to get him back into the States. Trust me, they (or their parents) have the money and they will pay. Estimated revenue $525 million
2. Create a government run celebrity death pool. That’s right, allow Americans to bet whether they believe celebs like Charlie Sheen, Mel Gibson, or Lidnsay Lohan will be the first to self destruct and die. What could be a better combination then our love for gambling and Hollywood gossip? An average state makes over $400 million with their current lottery system and 46 states have some type of lottery. Estimated revenue $18.4 billion
3. Blackmail the Chinese government by threatening to send Flo from those Progressive commercials on a seven city goodwill tour to Bejing, Shanghai, Tianjin . . . Even though most in China would not even understand her, the fear of her annoying and scary demeanor should do the trick. Estimated revenue $1 billion
4. Establish a government takeover of the entire Glee franchise. Yes, Uncle Sam should flex some type of eminent domain power and completely take over the show and more importantly revenues. To date, over 20 million Glee singles have been digitally downloaded. Along with the sale of commercial time, CD’s, DVD’s, lunch boxes etc. Obama will be singing “It’s all about the Benjamins” in the Oval Office. Estimated revenue $600 million
5. Instead of wasting money on various torture techniques at Guantanamo Bay and other military bases throughout the world, simply subject suspected terrorists to non-stop episodes of The Jersey Shore. Here is the situation–they will quickly confess everything they know to make the episodes and Snooki stop and we will save millions on our existing counter-intelligence operations. Estimated savings $250 million
6. Set up a mandatory $50,000 fine every time someone publicly flubs the national anthem (fine doubled for Super Bowl performances). Oh say can you see these artists spending a little more time rehearsing! Estimated revenue $5 million
7. Effective immediately, install webcams in the country’s 10 most violent prisons. Allow consumers to pay 19.95 a month to be able to spy on prisoners, watch some great riots, and other exciting day to day activities. It would truly be the ultimate reality show. Estimated revenue $400 million.
8. Allow New York Met Fans to purchase the opportunity to hit Bernie Madoff with a baseball from the pitching mound at Citi Field. For only $200 a pitch, frustrated Mets fans would get to enact some revenge on the man that put their beloved team in such a financial mess. I’m sure some Mets players would even take a turn, but it would probably take Oliver Perez at least 10 pitches to hit Madoff. Estimated revenue $600 million
9. Just like there is a fee for obtaining a marriage license, the government should establish a $5 fee for registering a Facebook status change. If you really want the world to know that you are now in a relationship, you will have to fork over five bucks to Uncle Sam. Estimated Revenue $75 million
10. Tax MTV $100,000 for every new teen that becomes pregnant. If they insist on continuing to glamorize teen pregnancy on their shows, 16 and Pregnant and Teen Mom, then they will have to pay. Estimated revenue $85 million
11. Sell Detroit to Canada. I mean would anyone really miss it? Estimated revenue $4 million
12. Uncle Sam needs to seize the distribution rights for Baywatch (I think this is actually legal via the Patriot Act) and then make it our #1 export. Can you believe Baywatch was ONLY syndicated in 148 countries? Anytime we have a disagreement with another country, all we would have to do is threaten to cut them off from our government run Baywatch feed, and a solution would certainly be imminent. Estimated revenue $1.2 billion
So I have come up with the first $23.14 billion to help the United States return to glory. Any other ideas out there to help out the cause?
To my loyal readers, yes two of these great ideas appeared in a previous post: An Idiot’s Guide to Fixing the Economy
It would be fun to spy on prisoners
Take a page from Personal Finance and utilize the “Latte” factor – Uncle Sam enacts tariffs on any cup of joe that is not simply coffee, milk and /or sugar. Double tariffs on those frozen, syrup enhanced, whipped cream topped calorie bombs. Like cigarette taxes – it won’t change behavior, but it will line the government’s pockets. Estimated revenues: 10 Billion/year.
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Is this really how to fix America? More like how to gain more revenue for America. But you’re very clever at number 1 though. hahaha. Bustin Jieber! oh…sorry about that. Busted Bieber.
hahaha!! is this the way to fix america?! should everyone of us fix ourselves first before we fix what’s around us?! you’re just telling about revenues and money and cash, it is not how to fix this beautiful country of ours!! but really, this is a great post!! thank you very much!! keep it up!
To fix America completely you need to do a lot more, this is the only country where celebrities can do whatever they want without getting arrested.
So funny ideas. Government should start implementing this idea
Funny ideas. It will really help our government if they would take them into action.
Yeah, that’s cool idea…:D
LOL I thought this is serious, kidding aside, lets cut on credit cards and purchase in cash, the more you introduce credit card as a part of your life the more you are prone to purchasing or obtaining things which is not necessary and the more you are choked in debt.
Hahahahha
funny, very nicely idea..love it 
It’s seems a very good idea, this should fix America, the government should start now.LOL
Great words, love you made to think about this ideas.
Fix America? seriously? Teach values and God in all schools, your kids and a number of them doesn’t know who God is, your children doesn’t know values and your people are too busy making their lives easier(?) by working hard to buy gadgets only to realize they always crave for new inventions and it links to your fast usage of credit cards. That’s the serous side of fixing America!
Credit card as a part of your life the more you are prone to purchasing or obtaining things which is not necessary and the more you are choked in debt. |
Awesome! it would be fun lol.
Is this really how to fix America? More like how to gain more revenue for America. But you’re very clever at number 1 though. |
Well. It would be better if the government put them into action ! lol
If you really want the world to know that you are now in a relationship, you will have to fork over five bucks to Uncle Sam
Cool! I love this idea, it’s like kinda funny
..
I thought this is serious, kidding aside, lets cut on credit cards and purchase in cash, the more you introduce credit card as a part of your life the more you are prone to purchasing or obtaining things which is not necessary. |
Double tariffs on those frozen, syrup enhanced, whipped cream topped calorie bombs. Like cigarette taxes – it won’t change behavior, but it will line the government’s pockets.