As the stock market lingers below eight thousand and we are exposed to a daily onslaught of layoff news, there seems to be one person in America that is living her life oblivious to these tough economic times. That person–Nadya Suleman, better known as the mother of the octuplets.
For some reason, Suleman thought it would be a good idea to have doctors implant 6 embryos inside her, while she was already living at home and struggling financially. Once she found out that she was pregnant, she had the choice to remove some of the embryos, but declined. Now that is certainly her choice to not want to terminate a life. However, if those are her beliefs, then she should have had only 2 embryos implanted at a time.
As a result of her poor planning, guess who gets to pay for these octuplets? Yep, you guessed it, Joe and Jane Taxpayer.
But don’t you worry, I have a plan to completely cover the costs for all 14 of the Suleman children and even make a profit for Uncle Sam. This plan should be used in the future for any other wacko who decides to start their own village.
1. Contact the people from Sham-Wow. You know, that crazy infomercial for that towel that holds 12 times in weight in liquid. Suleman should be required to star in a commercial that describes how well the sham wow cleans up spilled formula, spit up, and other leaks. Taking it a step further, “When my water broke, the people at the hospital used sham wow to clean up the mini lake. . . IT REALLY WORKS!!! 
” The government and Sham Wow would evenly split the profits from this venture.
2. Stinking with the infomercial theme, wouldn’t Suleman look adorable holding her 8 newborns wearing one of the Snuggie blankets? Maybe they could make a custom snuggie for her that had 8 bottle pouches or a special belt that could serve to hang pacificiers. Again, the people at Snuggle and the government would divide the profits in half from this partnership.
3. Does anyone in this entire Octuplet fiasco have a brain? There have been pictures released of these babies wearing diapers without any type of logo on them. Talk about a missed opportunity!!! The government should auction the rights to purchase advertising on these diapers Can you imagine how many times these eight babies will be photographed? It would be a win-win-win situation. Suleman would get free diapers, the government would make money, and advertisers would be able to promote their products on eight crawling billboards. Obviously, this marketing campaign would continue with infant and toddler clothing.
4. Going to have 8 kids and expect the government to pay for it? Fine. But then America gets to name the babies. That’s right, set up a 900 number voting system and watch the profits rush in. My vote would be to name them Milton, Peter, Michael, Samir, Lawerence, Bill, Joanna, and Nina, but that’s me.
5. Sell the embical cord on Ebay. Don’t even try to argue with me that there are enough sicko’s out there that would be interested.
6. I’m sure all of you have heard of the the television show John and Kate plus 8. Well how about Nadya, No Man, With Parents, Plus 14? Put the show on PBS and allow commercials. PBS could pay for itself and even start to give the government some money back.
7. Send Nadya to China on a good will tour to console the millions of Chinese that are restricted from having more than one child. Set up Nadya in a dunking tank and allow these frustrated Chinese to throw softballs at a target ($2 per ball, $5 for 3 balls) to let off some steam and generate revenue for Uncle Sam.
By taking these seven simple actions, we would have to waste a tax payer’s dime financing this debacle.
Do you have any other ideas how to help pay for this mess? Leave a comment and share your wisdom.
Although your article was done with and element of jest, it is not far from what people really think in these situations. Why would someone want to bring children into a world where they will have to struggle to survive or depend on government handouts???? Unfortunately, the “entitled generation” will have a rude awakening in about 20 years and we are seeing only the tip of the iceberg with the current economic crisis we are now in…
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Scott, I dont think rutgerskevin looks at anything in an odd way! This happens everywhere….it is a question of education= if I cannot provide a decent life to my kids, I do not have more than one or two!
If I can’t provide a decent life for my children, I’m not going to have any until I’m out of whatever economic sh*thole I’m in. My mother supported two of us at home, payed half college tuition for two others, and had to deal with buying medication for me monthly, paying off my sister’s hospital bills, and still somehow manages to afford groceries with all of this on a thirty-three grand a year paycheck.
The question we should also answer is How will you provide a balance love and care to those 8 angels? It’s hard when you are also thinking on how you can provide for their basic needs.
“My vote would be to name them Milton, Peter, Michael, Samir, Lawerence, Bill, Joanna, and Nina, but that’s me.”
No, no, no, no, no! You would get bigger bucks naming them Staples, Citicorp, Wells Fargo, Best Buy, Jet Blue, Accenture, Deloitte and Runt. (The last one is a freebie.)
Whilst i may do agree with the reckless way the situation has worked out one thing is very important, the children themselves. whilst some people may have issues with the mother paying for them with advertising and exclusives I think that if the money can be used to provide for them rather than them having to be broken up then so be it.
Having those many kids can be workable — If I’m a multi-millionaire! I’m agreeing to what graham says here, that if I can’t provide for my own kids, then I’m not gonna have any. It’s as simple as that.
Anyway, about the names, how about the 7 dwarfs? And then name the prettiest one snow white. so there, 8 all in all.
I totally agree with Juliette, if you can’t afford to look after your children yourself then you shouldn’t have them its not fair on everyone else!
It’s not surprising when I read posts like this about other peoples life and how they will cope. When it comes to the octuplets – I’m more worried about their hygiene as kids like that are highly immune to diseases. I guess they should just take one step at a time and provide them more govt support.
It will be so fun to have six kids running around the house!
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If two of the embryos had not split and made her the record holder for live births she would not be in the spotlight she’s in now.
One’s economic situation can always change — if you’re not doing well, then you can delay having children until things turnaround, but what if things were good and then you get laid off and you already started your family? There’s no turning back.
Life is a gift. I don’t agree with how she went about it — having fertility treatments and no husband, but the fact is eight of them made it.
Wow some of theses ppl are dumb!!! some babies are not made on purpose and some familys have to go on state to help so they can raise there children!!! there is nothing wrong with ppl being on state!!! I will say i am on state and i have a kid!!! does that make me a bad mother because im getting money from the government!!! im aleast supporting my child and im with my child everyday!! not like some moms who had there kids off even if they dont work!!!