A couple of weeks ago, 11 Russian spies were arrested on charges of being part of a long-term, deep cover espionage ring run by the Russian intelligence service. These spies, including Anna Chapman (pictured below), were able to effectively blend into American neighborhoods.
So what were these Russian spies hoping to accomplish? What type of information did they hope to obtain. Luckily for you, the covert operations wing at The Red Stapler Chronicles (thanks Marina) was able to secure a top secret KGB document that listed the spies primary objectives. Here is just some of what was on this document:
–Create a Facebook game that will waste billions of hours of American workers’ time to cripple their economy and drive them to drink more Vodka.
–Find out who will replace Simon on American Idol.
–Discover what exactly makes up the Kentucky Fried Chicken Original Recipe.
–Confirm if Justiin Bieber is really just a sophisticated robot created by Disney.
–Construct and distribute an IPhone app that will millions of dumb Americans will blindly download that will contain a virus that will allow us to continuously monitor their communications.
–Determine what exactly happened on the last episodes of Soprano’s and Lost.
–Recruit Deadliest Catch Crab captains to sail and make profits for Mother Russia.
–Finalize the deal with Oprah to leave her show in 2012 to start similar show for the Russian Broadcast Network.
–Convince LeBron James to leave the NBA and join the Dynamo Moscow team. If possible bring along Dwayne Wade and Chis Bosh. In addition, since Putin is sick of tough interview questions, take Jim Gray as well.
–Find a way to discredit BP so that Lukoil can gain market share.
–Locate the inventor of the Snuggie and relocate him to a Siberian prison camp where he can receive his proper punishment for crimes against humanity.
–Destroy and Burn as many copies of The Hunt for Red October as possible. Duplicate process for Red Dawn and Rocky IV.
–Use female operatives to discredit Tiger Woods to make room for Russian golfer Lev Andropov to take the PGA by storm.
–Find out the retirement status of Brent Favre so that appropriate NFL bets can be made.
–Get Sarah Palin elected in 2012 in hopes of reacquiring Alaska
The KGB forgot that the Cold War is over!
Don’t you think it’s crossing the line when, as an indivividual or a society, we start making fun of American Idol?
Oh…k. You’re so weird Kevy. lol.