As the Occupy Wall Street protesters continue to live in Zuccotti park in New York’s financial district, many people are wondering exactly what the group hopes to accomplish. Fortunately, the public does not have to wonder anymore as one of my spies have obtained  a complete list of the protester’s demands.

1. Effective immediately, Netflix must be forced to revoke their price increases and return to their old pricing structure.

2. All Chapstick tubes will be required to have a Surgeon General Warning concerning the addictiveness of the popular lip balm.

3. A special screening of A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas will occur in the center of Zuccotti park, free of charge for all protesters.

4. MTV must be forced to stop producing future episodes of The Jersey Shore.

5. Pittsburgh, Syracuse, and West Virginia must return to the Big East conference.

6. Festivus is recognized as a national holiday and the current Commander and Chief must complete a Feat of Strength to remain in office.

7. The Monday after the Superbowl will be established as a national holiday and if the game goes into overtime the holiday will extend to Tuesday.

8. New episodes of Baywatch must be produced starting in February 2012.

9. Chick-Fil-A will be forced to open on Sundays.

10. All protesters will be issued Snuggies to help keep warm during the cold, winter nights in NYC.

11. Angry Birds must be re-developed in a way in which if you fail to pass a level 100 times, you will automatically pass it the 101st time, no matter how you aim the birds.

12. Lindsay Lohan must receive a full pardon so that she can give her full attention and detail to her upcoming Playboy pictorial.

13. Kim Kardashian must be ordered to return all wedding gifts that she received during her 72 day marriage.

14. All Justin Bieber’s assets should be seized and redistributed to the poorest 0.1%. And of course, Bieber should be deported back to Canada.

15. All smart phones must be reprogrammed to recognize the words, Chewbacca, Obama, and JoePa.

16. A special shower-cam will be set up in Pennsylvania State Prison to watch Jerry Sandusky receive his proper justice.

Now that the David Einhorn deal fell through, the Mets are in need of a new minority owner to pump in some much needed money into the team. Luckily, a member of the Red Stapler Spy Network was able to gain access to an internal Sterling Doubleday memo that lists the top 8 candidates to replace Einhorn.

1. Scrooge McDuck

Pros–Could use his Scotish temper to fire up the players during losing streaks. McDuck could also use one of his pools full of gold coins to get a new starting pitcher and replace the entire Mets’ medical staff.

Cons–There would be no clean line of succession when the elderly McDuck passes away as a three way power struggle between nephews Huey, Dewey, and Louie would likely occur. In addition, McDuck would name his 3rd cousin, Chris “Mad Dog” Russo, do play by play with his famous duck like voice.

2. Montgomery Burns

Pros–Has experience in putting together an all star team with the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Softball Team. He could also threaten players with reactor cleaning duty if they made too many errors.

Cons–Might insist on naming long time companion Waylon Smithers as General Manger.

3. Willy Wonka

Pros–Wonka has proved that he has a eye for talent and making deals that was demonstrated with his negotiations with he Oompa Loompas. Also, candy concessions at the ball park would certainly be a strength.

Cons–Making every ticket gold would eventually cause financial problems and would limit the number of premium free agents the team could sign.

4. Montgomery Brewster

Pros–As a retired semi-pro baseball pitcher, Brewster would have the most actual baseball experience out of all the candidates.

Cons–Might insist on trying to pitch for the team and his none of the above votes during important meetings would get annoying very fast.

5. John Hammond

Pros–Perhaps the best marketer of the group, Hammond would use countless gimmicks to attract the crowds. Citi Field would end up being more like a theme park than just a baseball stadium.

Cons–Would be under constant suspicion that he was genetically engineering his baseball players.

6. Prince Akeem of Zamunda

Pros–Understands the inner workings of Queens and any man who literally has his own currency could ensure that Jose Reyes would be re-signed.

Cons–Having McDowell’s as the exclusive food vendor at Citi Field would prove boring after a few games. Also, members of the Mets might start using too much Soul Glow and begin making errors because their hands are greasy.

7. Ari Gold

Pros–Who better to lead the Mets back to glory than the super agent that helped Vincent Chase gain and then re-gain his star power?

Cons–His connections and power might be too west coast based and he might be better off buying the Dodgers. Also, if he can not patch things up with Mrs. Ari, she would get half the team during the divorce proceedings.

8. Forrest Gump

Pros–Like he was to his war buddy Bubba, Gump would be loyal to his players and would always keep his word. Gump would also make the players in the minor league system wear special leg braces that would increase their overall speed by the time they were ready for the majors.

Cons–His lack of intelligence could result in him easily being tricked into resigning Oliver Perez and Jason Bay to long term multimillion dollar contracts

As Hurricane Irene threatens millions of people along the East Coast, many wonder why there seems to be so many extreme weather events lately. Is it caused by the polar icecaps melting? A change in the jet stream? Is God trying to tell us to stop worshiping the cast of the Jersey Shore? No matter what you believe, there is no doubt that Mother Nature is a force to be reckoned with and everyone should respect her power.

C is for Cookie, and that is good enough for me.  However, leave it to the internet to turn a character from sesame street into a sex object, gangster, drug addict, or worse.  Surely, Jim Henson would roll over in his grave if he saw some of these pictures!!!

You didn’t think you were done yet, did you? Click below to get the next 25 WTF Cookie Monster pictures. Here me now and believe me later when I saved the best ones for last.

Click here for more Cookie Monster porn

A long, long, time ago, in a basement or clubhouse in the woods, adolescent boys had to get a little creative to catch a glimpse of the female naked form.  Here are 12 ways in which these brave young men were able to study the anatomy of the opposite sex.

1.  The lingerie section of the Sears and J.C. Penny catalogs. –Pages and pages of the same 6 models wearing every bra and panty ever made.

2.  The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition–The only real reason why you asked your parents for this subscription year after year.

3.  HBO free preview that your parents did not know was occurring –Advanced strategy involved checking what movies would contain nudity in the wee hours of the night and then programming the VCR to tape them.

4.  Victoria’s Secret and Fredrick’s of Hollywood Catalogs–There were at least one kinky couple in the neighborhood that got one of these catalogs and then in was just a matter of filling out a pre-paid business reply post card to get more catalogs delivered.  Lastly, you would volunteer to help get the mail everyday and . . .

5.  Stealing your older sister’s copy of Cosmo to read all the sex articles that included risque pictures–These articles usually contained side boobs galore!  And even though most of the advice was not even understood, it was still entertaining.

6.  Polaroid of breasts that your best friend’s cousin’s roomate gave him at summer camp–Usually would have multiple crease marks but still worth more than ten packs of baseball cards at the very least.

7.  A trip to Hooters–Yes, Hooters does have a Kid’s meal

8.  Turning on the scrambled adult channels late at night hoping to get a glance of what you think is a boob–Most of the time the audio was intact so you could really follow the plot

9.  Collecting the rain soaked Playboys that were left near a dumpster in  your neighborhood–”I am not sure why all these pages are stuck together”

10.  Playing Strip Poker on your Commodore 64–Suzi just lost her top

11.  Sneaking into the adult section at a movie rental store–”Honestly, I didn’t know what was back here, I thought it was the cartoon section”

12.  And of course–browsing through old National Geographic magazines–Making libraries exciting since 1888

Present Day

Your 11 year old son disables your porn blocker in exactly 3 seconds.  In reality, he knows more about computers than you do and mocks your feeble parental efforts as he and his friends sit down to watch the latest Jenna Haze and Sasha Grey features.

Are there any other old school methods out there that need to be included on this list?  Leave a comment and share the wealth!

1.  You are always ready to top any story that anyone is ever able to tell.  For instance, if a co-worker starts telling the story about how she lost both of her parents in a terrible plane crash, you quickly make up a story that you lost all 3 of your parents in a plane crash that involved a bunch of poisonous snakes.

2.  You regularly get into physical fights with people who try to persuade you that Snakes on a Plane was actually not based on a true story.

3.  Order a quarter pounder at McDonald’s and take out your food scale to measure the actual weight of the meat.  Even after the 19 year old manager explains that the disclaimer is that the patty is weighed prior to cooking, you still cause a scene until you get a free milkshake.

4.  Insist that you get your paycheck from your part time job at the gym get cashed only in Fives and Ones since you like your wallet to look full.

5. Attend a wedding wearing your Abercrombie polo shirt (yes, with a popped collar) and with more gold chains than Mr.T.  During the actual ceremony, you loudly criticize the bride’s tanning skills and suggest that she would have been better off using your brand of hair gel.  Once the reception starts, you scream at the DJ for not playing enough music that you can fist pump to and then cause outrage by erotically grinding with the groom’s grandmother.

6.  The last time you had a conversation over two minutes that did not include profanity was when you were in the third grade.

7.  Ruin a movie for everyone by making a protein shake in the middle of the theater using your battery operated blender.  After it is done, drink it with a straw, constantly making loud slurping noises.

8.  On Facebook, you get mad when all of your friends do not respond to every single one of your moronic posts.  Even though you have never once wished someone a happy birthday, congratulating them on a new baby, etc, you decide to de-friend everyone who was unable to respond to your new status update within ten minutes of you posting it.

9. Speaking of Facebook, your profile picture portrays you shirtless and showing off your new misspelled Asian tattoo.

10. While in line at the DMV, you decide to place a series of phone calls to your girlfriend in which you repeatedly get into 4 minute long screaming matches.  Of course, the no cell phones allowed sign does not pertain to you in this time of personal life emergency.  After all, how will you survive if you are unable to call her a “stupid bitch” once every twenty minutes?  Once it is your turn, you anger the rest of the crowd further by insisting that they re-take your license photo seven times.

11. You think it is okay to park your 1998 Yellow Hummer in the middle of two handicap spots just because it looks like it is going to rain and you have already done your hair.

12.  And about that Hummer, you bought it last year and tell everyone that the previous owner was a rapper who never got to use it since he was always on the west coast.  In reality, you got ripped off by the used car guy since you paid $15,000 for that piece of shit and you get about 4 miles to the gallon.

13.  Your cell phone ring tone is Barbie Girl from Aqua.

14.  Eat at Taco Bell for your previous four meals before boarding a transcontinental flight.  As soon as the captain takes down the seat belt sign, take care of some business in the rest room. Obviously, you forget to flush and before you exit you disable any type of air freshener devices that are present.  For bonus points, request a seat next to the bathroom, so you can enjoy watching the face of each horrified passenger as they enter and exit the debacle that you created.

15.  It is the bottom of the ninth inning in which your home town team’s pitcher is in the middle of a no hitter and you are at crowded sports bar.  You decide that this is a good time to tell everyone that they are stupid for believing in the dumb superstition about not talking about no hitters in progress.  When the next pitch results in a single, breaking up the gem, you then start calling the pitcher a choke artist and call for him to be traded.

16.  Your favorite teams are the New York Yankees, Dallas Cowboys, Los Angeles Lakers, and Notre Dame even though you have never lived in any of those cities and only spent one semester at a community college.

17.  Ask a Girl Scout if they have a low calorie cookie and then give her a five minute lecture about how many unhealthy ingredients that each cookie contains.

18.  You decide to explain to your little 4 year old niece that Santa Claus is not real and prove it to her by showing where your older sister has hidden all the gifts.  The following year, you have a hissy fit when you find out that you have not been invited to Christmas dinner.

19.  Go to your local supermarket and proceed to go aisle to aisle gathering supplies to make a sandwich worthy of being featured on Man vs Food.  Once you are finished creating your masterpiece, eat about 75% of it and then complain to the manager that the meat is bad.  Clearly, you will not be paying for anything today.

20.  Write a stupid blog post that will waste the time of all 5 of your readers and . . .

Since 1994, Shady Acres has recognized excellence in the the fine senior citizen art of wrecking havoc across our great country. Whether they are harassing their care givers, producing non stop guilt treatments to their families, or just acting inappropriately, these fine men represent the best of senior citizen communities across the land. Getting old may suck, but these gentlemen are an inspiration to us all to make our final years full of fun and mischief. Here are this year’s inductions to their Hall of Fame:

–Old Blue was banned from a record 22 Hooters restaurants due to inappropriate touching of waitresses.

–Still complains about not being able to set the clock on his VCR, even though he has not used it since 1996 and it is not even plugged into the wall.

–Regularly wanders out of restaurants without paying and when confronted just acts confused and disorientated.

–When he gets mad at his children, he sends his grandchildren a drum set or various other loud musical instraments.

–Gramps likes to go to local Home Depots and Lowes and take a shit in one of their model toilets.  He then proceeds to complain that the bathroom is not stocked with toilet paper.

–When conversations get boring to him, he just pretends to take a nap.

–Enjoys clogging up supermarket aisles with his slow cart driving and insists on calling all their workers “Sonny.”

–Even though he knows better, he still stuffs all birthday cards with a five dollar bill and instead uses his money at the local nudie bar.

–The Colonel is known for purposely telling the same story numerous times and keeps track of how many times he can get away with it without being corrected.

–Still holds the record for walking to school in the snow, uphill both ways of course, at 753, even though he grew up in sunny California.

–Likes to confusingly walk into Ladies Rooms for kicks and is the number one contributor at several cell phone submitted “upskirt” websites.

–Successfully bribed the cable guy to get his buddies and him free access to the pay per view porn movies.  As a added bonus, he was able to set it up that the nursing home administrator would be charged for their movie selections.

–Pa is famous for disputing the bill with ever purchase he has made in the last 5 years.  Most of the time, even though he is completely wrong, he gets what he asks for just to shut him up.

–Is responsible for triggering Silver Alerts in 3 different states.

–Has caused a record 4 census workers to quit.

–Holds the iron man record for wearing the exact same sweater for Christmas (16), without his family being able to burn it.

–Smelly’s specialty is causing riots on buses as people scatter to get far away from his stench.

–He is actually a multimillionaire, but enjoys watching acting like a homeless person during the day.

–Has not took a shit in his own house in over twenty years.

–Was kicked out of his previous nursing home for setting up and running a prostitution ring.

–Gums is a very generous tipper.  Not only does he leave a couple of extra bucks, but he almost always leaves his dirty dentures as an extra surprise to his waitress.

–Causes a near riot at the movie theater when he continually insists that the price of the movie should be ten cents instead of ten dollars.  Sometimes they just let him in for the dime.

–Likes to torture his children with threats that he will not include them in his will unless they do various tasks like wash his car or do his laundry.

–Has been cited three times by police for dressing up like Santa Claus and pretending to work for the Salvation Army.

Score one for the good guys.  In their infinite wisdom, the powers that be at Citadel Broadcasting Corporation have decided to take down the stolen article from the KWIN site. They have also decided to make a very generous donation to my retirement fund.

The following is my favorite part of the settlement and will be living on my refrigerator for the foreseeable future:

SETTLEMENT AGREEMENT AND RELEASE
This Settlement Agreement and Release (the “Agreement”), entered into on this 14th day of July, 2011, sets forth the terms and conditions upon which Kevin Brink (“KB”) and Citadel Broadcasting Company, d/b/a Station KWIN (“Citadel”) (together, the “Parties”), have agreed to, and do, settle and release certain claims and interests with respect to matters concerning an article entitled “The Most Common Things People Steal” (the “Article”) published by KB on October 9, 2009 in the blog “The Red Stapler Chronicles,” and subsequently published by Citadel on June 2, 2010 on KWIN’s Internet website without KB’s consent.

This saga proves that you “can fight city hall” if you have enough patience and tenacity. In addition, it proves that companies need to closely monitor what they put on their websites and should provide an easy way for their readers to contact them.

Check out Part 1 and Part 2 of this story to get the complete picture.

Suicide in NEVER the answer.  No matter what is going wrong in your life, better days will be ahead.  At least that is what was written on the suicide prevention pamphlet I found at the bus stop.  But just in case you need some reasons to continue living, here are twenty things you would miss.

20.  You will never get to see the babies featured in Teen Mom star in Season 16 of Teen Mom on MTV.

19.  You will never get to meet The Most Interesting Man in the World.

18.  You will miss the next Favre un-retirement.

17.  You will not be able to place a wager in Las Vegas to bet on which of the Octomom’s kids first stars in a porn movie.

16.  You will not be able to attend any killer “End of the World” Parties on December 21, 2012.

15.  And you will not be able to lie about all the action you got at the above mentioned party using your clever line, “Hey Baby, Let’s go out with a Bang!”

14.  You will not have the chance to clean up your Facebook friends list and everyone will think you were actually friends with all those people.

13.  You will miss the opportunity to laugh at all the tramp stamps you see at the local nursing home.

12.  You will not get to witness the Cubs finally winning another World Series, a Mets pitcher throwing a no-hitter, and Rex Ryan letting his team’s play do all the talking.

11.  You will miss all the fun of a feature length Voltron movie that makes the Transformers movies look like child’s play.

10  You will die not knowing who was the real murderer in the OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony cases

9.  You will not get to see next year’s Swimsuit Edition with Kate Upton on the cover wearing only body paint.

8.  You will never get to collect on your bet that Larry will be the person in your office that is most likely to come in one day with a gun and shoot everyone.

7.  You will miss the opportunity to see Social Security Fail and be able to tell everyone: “I told you so!”

6.  You will never get to see the next legitimate Lindsay Lohan movie.

5.  You’ll never know if Kim Kardashian is able to complete the Grand Slam of having sex with a rapper, and a member of each of the major four sport leagues.

4.  You will not be able to laugh when Lebron James retires without winning any championships.

3.  You will never get the pleasure of making a commercial in which you bitch slap Flo from Progressive.

2.  You will never know if someone can turn themselves into an orange prune by the age of 40 by over tanning and eating pickles.

1.  Your Mom would be disappointed with you.

Okay–Now I am pissed!

To catch up on this story, first read Part 1 of A Story About How My Blog Was Illegally Copied

Over a week ago, I contacted just everyone I could find with an email address at KWIN and Citadel Broadcasting Company. Here are the email addresses I have used to try to contact someone who will respond to me at the radio station:

citadeldmcaagent@lsl-law.com
jeff.bayani@citcomm.com
roy.williams@citcomm.com
hilary.glassman@citcomm.com
farid.suleman@citcomm.com
dns.admin@citcomm.com
dave.marchette@citcomm.com
kwin@kwin.com

Out of all these people, who at the very least I emailed 3 times, guess how many people responded? That’s right, not a single person has bothered to respond. Since I am such a nice and considerate guy, I even sent each person an email without the links just in case that would trigger it to be delivered to their spam folders. But still, not a single response.  Luckily, as i may be dumb, but I am certainly not stupid, I decided to save all the copies of the emails I sent, so the excuse that “We never received your email” will be quickly followed a judge laughing.

I guess the big, bad, evil corporation believes that they will be able to simply ignore their crime and continue to take credit for my work.

So what is the proverbial little guy to do to get justice in this situation? Well, I have already reported KWIN’s site to Google for being a copy of my work. Eventually, Google will make sure that their stolen article does not appear in any type of Google search result.

But I think they deserve a little more justice. I am looking for a group of individuals, possibly wanted by the government, that helps people with problems that no one else can help. Yes, I am looking for my very own digital A-Team!

You can join my A-Team by completing any or all of the following tasks:

1. Emailing any of the above people and ask them why they allow stolen content to remain on the KWIN site. Refer them to read Part 1 and 2 of this post.

2. Join the KWIN Facebook fan page. Write “Why do you guys steal other people’s work?” with a link to Part 1 of this post. Of course, immediately unlike the page.

3. Simply share this story with other people/bloggers.

4. Fart in their generally direction (It is a California radio station, so I will be aiming West).