Frank Horrigan, who helped protect 7 different presidents before his retirement in 1998, was saddened to hear about the latest Secret Service scandal. . .

MTV’s successful show 16 and Pregnant and spin-off Teen Mom have certainly made an impact on American culture. Not only have we been introduced to such national treasures like Amber and Janelle, but the show has also helped teen birth rates decrease to their lowest levels since 1946.

But many have wondered exactly how the producers of 16 and Pregnant actually select who they will feature. Luckily, a disgruntled intern from 11th Street Productions has leaked the following questionnaire with the actual scoring system determining which teenagers will become a reality television star.

1. Are you currently pregnant? (“Yes” +20 points, “Maybe” +10 points)

2. Do you live in West Virginia, Texas, Florida, South Dakota, or Michigan? (“Yes” +10)

3. Do you live in a major city? (“Yes” -50 “Not Sure +10)

4. Are you related to the baby daddy? (“Yes” +25, “I don’t know” +35)

5. Do your parents like your baby daddy? (“No” +40 “They hate him” +50)

6. Does your baby daddy drive a pickup truck? (“Yes” +25)

7. Does your baby’s daddy plan on or currently work in some type of mine? (“Yes” +35)

8. Are you a cheerleader? (“Yes” +10)

9. Has anyone told you or your baby daddy that they have an anger management problem? (“Yes” +50)

10. Was your mom a teen parent? (“Yes” +25 “I don’t know +20)

11. Do you live within 5 miles of a Wal-Mart? (“Yes” +15)

12. Are you attracted to homeless men? (“Yes” +45)

13. Do you have any money saved up to care for your baby? (“No” +50, “Less than $500″ +20)

14. Does your baby’s daddy or you have a drinking or substance abuse problem? (“Yes” +25)

15. Are you currently on the honor roll? (“Yes” -25)

16. What is your birth plan? (“What is that?” +25)

1.  Coach Cutlip–The Wonder Years

Not only was Coach Cutlip able to prepare his students for the President’s Physical Fitness Challenge, but he was also able to teach them all the facts of life.  Watch below for the best ever sex-ed class of all time!

2. Coach Ben Fredricks–Freaks and Geeks

Coach Fredricks deserves a place on this last for his revolutionary approach in letting the nerdy kids be captains and choose teams (thus eliminating them from always being picked last). He also gained points by dating a student’s mother (thus inventing “the Woodcock”) and for his impressive go-cart racing ability.

3. Coach Calhoun–Grease

Most physical education teachers would simply write off a trouble maker like Danny Zuko, but not the legendary Calhoun. Instead, he embraced the troubled youth and introduced him to all the sports that Rydell High had to offer.

4. Buella Balbricker–Porky’s

Miss Balbricker was an innovator in the physical education field for over 35 years at Angel Beach High. In fact her anatomical recognition system, nicknamed the Tommy Turner Grip System, is still used by the FBI in sex crime cases today.

5. Jasper Woodcock–Mr. Woodcock

Mr. Woodcock instilled his brand of discipline and fair play to several generations of children in Corn County, Nebraska. For the last 27 years, his students have completed the most pull ups in the entire Midwest. And to this day, he still does not recognize asthma as a real medical condition.

6. Miss Collins–Carrie

Miss Collins did her best to teach the girls at Bates High School all the facts of life, especially misguided students such as Carrie. Unfortunately, she met demise in the gym that infamous night along with 193 others. When they rebuilt the school, the school board decided to name the gym, the Collins Court.

7. Coach Carr–Mean Girls

With today’s youth, you have to send a strong message to get them to understand the consequences of sex. Coach Carr truly understood this and produced gem-like teachings like, “Don’t have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don’t have sex in the missionary position, don’t have sex standing up, just don’t do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers.” Too bad he just couldn’t keep his hands off of Trang Pak.

8. Sue Sylvester–Glee

Leading the McKinley high school cheerleading squad to six straight national championships, Coach Sylvester has proven again and again that she will do anything to win. Still, she has a softer side that can be seen with all her dealings with the Special Olympics.

9. Bradley Buzzcut–Beavis and Butt-Head

Coach Bradley has taught health, physical education, and sex-ed at Highland High for the last 22 years. Most teachers just do not know how to deal with such troubling students like Beavis and Butt-Head, but Buzzcut seems to know exactly how to put them in their place.

10. Coach “Lassie” Honneywell and Coach Brackett–Porky’s

The duty of teaching sexual education often falls to gym teachers. Well, these two innovators decided that they the best form of teaching would be a little demonstration in the equipment room.

Honorable Mentions:

Have you ever watched a television show or movie and been able to easily guess what would happen next?  Chances are, that most of us would answer yes to the above question.  Unfortunately, it does not mean that we are geniuses, but instead it is more likely that we have previously seen a similar storyline.  In fact, it is a well-guarded Hollywood secret that the same 86 plots are simply recycled and changed just enough that no one really notices.

Luckily for you, I have acquired a plot generator for TV shows/movies that essentially revolve around High School life.  Whether your High School Years were the best 4 years of your life, or they were full of more awkward moments than Nicki Minaj’s next trip to church, looking back at those 4 years have proved to be quite entertaining.

Here are the most common story lines that appear in all TV shows and movies that are about High School:

1. The principal and/or guidance counselor will be try too hard to connect with students or will just be a complete jackass.

2.  A new student will catch the eye of one of the main characters.

3.  Something embarrassing will happen at gym class or the locker room to a central character.  Nine times out of ten this will involve showering.

4.  There will be some type of drama over a school dance or prom.  And no matter what, this dance/prom will be, at the most, two weeks away.

5. A jock will become interested in one of the smart or artistic kids.

6.  A bully will be confronted.

7.  A big sports game will happen against a rival school.

8.  The name of that rival school will mostly likely be named after a dead president.

9.  A character faces drama about where to sit in the cafeteria.

10.  While their parents are on vacation, a student decides to host a party that ends up getting completely out of control.

11.  A school election takes place in which the main character loses to a secondary character–except if a killer dance is performed in front of the entire school in the auditorium.

12.  A non-cheerleader is nominated for prom queen as a joke and eventually wins the crown.

13.  A jock will join the drama club, band, or chorus to impress a girl.

14.  A student will develop a crush on a teacher.

15.  One of the main characters will have an annoying little brother/sister who wrecks havoc on their social lives.

16.  The nice guy who has always been a good friend has to watch her go out with a jock.  This poor soul is regulated into the “friend zone” and his personal torture includes being asked relationship advice from his “would be” girlfriend.

17.  A main character becomes pregnant or takes a pregnancy test.  If the show/movie takes place before 2000, then the result will be negative.  After all, the teen pregnancies can only happen to a supporting character.  After 2000, then it is acceptable for the main character to get knocked up.

18.  The jock who terrorizes a gay student turns out to be gay himself.

19.  A good student, most likely on the school’s academic team, will spontaneously decide to change their image and hang out with the more popular kids.

20.  And this student will temporarily forget about her/his old friends, only to eventually reconnect with them.

Did I miss any cliches that need to be included on this list?  Leave a comment and let the world know.

As the Occupy Wall Street protesters continue to live in Zuccotti park in New York’s financial district, many people are wondering exactly what the group hopes to accomplish. Fortunately, the public does not have to wonder anymore as one of my spies have obtained  a complete list of the protester’s demands.

1. Effective immediately, Netflix must be forced to revoke their price increases and return to their old pricing structure.

2. All Chapstick tubes will be required to have a Surgeon General Warning concerning the addictiveness of the popular lip balm.

3. A special screening of A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas will occur in the center of Zuccotti park, free of charge for all protesters.

4. MTV must be forced to stop producing future episodes of The Jersey Shore.

5. Pittsburgh, Syracuse, and West Virginia must return to the Big East conference.

6. Festivus is recognized as a national holiday and the current Commander and Chief must complete a Feat of Strength to remain in office.

7. The Monday after the Superbowl will be established as a national holiday and if the game goes into overtime the holiday will extend to Tuesday.

8. New episodes of Baywatch must be produced starting in February 2012.

9. Chick-Fil-A will be forced to open on Sundays.

10. All protesters will be issued Snuggies to help keep warm during the cold, winter nights in NYC.

11. Angry Birds must be re-developed in a way in which if you fail to pass a level 100 times, you will automatically pass it the 101st time, no matter how you aim the birds.

12. Lindsay Lohan must receive a full pardon so that she can give her full attention and detail to her upcoming Playboy pictorial.

13. Kim Kardashian must be ordered to return all wedding gifts that she received during her 72 day marriage.

14. All Justin Bieber’s assets should be seized and redistributed to the poorest 0.1%. And of course, Bieber should be deported back to Canada.

15. All smart phones must be reprogrammed to recognize the words, Chewbacca, Obama, and JoePa.

16. A special shower-cam will be set up in Pennsylvania State Prison to watch Jerry Sandusky receive his proper justice.

Now that the David Einhorn deal fell through, the Mets are in need of a new minority owner to pump in some much needed money into the team. Luckily, a member of the Red Stapler Spy Network was able to gain access to an internal Sterling Doubleday memo that lists the top 8 candidates to replace Einhorn.

1. Scrooge McDuck

Pros–Could use his Scotish temper to fire up the players during losing streaks. McDuck could also use one of his pools full of gold coins to get a new starting pitcher and replace the entire Mets’ medical staff.

Cons–There would be no clean line of succession when the elderly McDuck passes away as a three way power struggle between nephews Huey, Dewey, and Louie would likely occur. In addition, McDuck would name his 3rd cousin, Chris “Mad Dog” Russo, do play by play with his famous duck like voice.

2. Montgomery Burns

Pros–Has experience in putting together an all star team with the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Softball Team. He could also threaten players with reactor cleaning duty if they made too many errors.

Cons–Might insist on naming long time companion Waylon Smithers as General Manger.

3. Willy Wonka

Pros–Wonka has proved that he has a eye for talent and making deals that was demonstrated with his negotiations with he Oompa Loompas. Also, candy concessions at the ball park would certainly be a strength.

Cons–Making every ticket gold would eventually cause financial problems and would limit the number of premium free agents the team could sign.

4. Montgomery Brewster

Pros–As a retired semi-pro baseball pitcher, Brewster would have the most actual baseball experience out of all the candidates.

Cons–Might insist on trying to pitch for the team and his none of the above votes during important meetings would get annoying very fast.

5. John Hammond

Pros–Perhaps the best marketer of the group, Hammond would use countless gimmicks to attract the crowds. Citi Field would end up being more like a theme park than just a baseball stadium.

Cons–Would be under constant suspicion that he was genetically engineering his baseball players.

6. Prince Akeem of Zamunda

Pros–Understands the inner workings of Queens and any man who literally has his own currency could ensure that Jose Reyes would be re-signed.

Cons–Having McDowell’s as the exclusive food vendor at Citi Field would prove boring after a few games. Also, members of the Mets might start using too much Soul Glow and begin making errors because their hands are greasy.

7. Ari Gold

Pros–Who better to lead the Mets back to glory than the super agent that helped Vincent Chase gain and then re-gain his star power?

Cons–His connections and power might be too west coast based and he might be better off buying the Dodgers. Also, if he can not patch things up with Mrs. Ari, she would get half the team during the divorce proceedings.

8. Forrest Gump

Pros–Like he was to his war buddy Bubba, Gump would be loyal to his players and would always keep his word. Gump would also make the players in the minor league system wear special leg braces that would increase their overall speed by the time they were ready for the majors.

Cons–His lack of intelligence could result in him easily being tricked into resigning Oliver Perez and Jason Bay to long term multimillion dollar contracts

As Hurricane Irene threatens millions of people along the East Coast, many wonder why there seems to be so many extreme weather events lately. Is it caused by the polar icecaps melting? A change in the jet stream? Is God trying to tell us to stop worshiping the cast of the Jersey Shore? No matter what you believe, there is no doubt that Mother Nature is a force to be reckoned with and everyone should respect her power.

C is for Cookie, and that is good enough for me.  However, leave it to the internet to turn a character from sesame street into a sex object, gangster, drug addict, or worse.  Surely, Jim Henson would roll over in his grave if he saw some of these pictures!!!

You didn’t think you were done yet, did you? Click below to get the next 25 WTF Cookie Monster pictures. Here me now and believe me later when I saved the best ones for last.

Click here for more Cookie Monster porn

A long, long, time ago, in a basement or clubhouse in the woods, adolescent boys had to get a little creative to catch a glimpse of the female naked form.  Here are 12 ways in which these brave young men were able to study the anatomy of the opposite sex.

1.  The lingerie section of the Sears and J.C. Penny catalogs. –Pages and pages of the same 6 models wearing every bra and panty ever made.

2.  The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition–The only real reason why you asked your parents for this subscription year after year.

3.  HBO free preview that your parents did not know was occurring –Advanced strategy involved checking what movies would contain nudity in the wee hours of the night and then programming the VCR to tape them.

4.  Victoria’s Secret and Fredrick’s of Hollywood Catalogs–There were at least one kinky couple in the neighborhood that got one of these catalogs and then in was just a matter of filling out a pre-paid business reply post card to get more catalogs delivered.  Lastly, you would volunteer to help get the mail everyday and . . .

5.  Stealing your older sister’s copy of Cosmo to read all the sex articles that included risque pictures–These articles usually contained side boobs galore!  And even though most of the advice was not even understood, it was still entertaining.

6.  Polaroid of breasts that your best friend’s cousin’s roomate gave him at summer camp–Usually would have multiple crease marks but still worth more than ten packs of baseball cards at the very least.

7.  A trip to Hooters–Yes, Hooters does have a Kid’s meal

8.  Turning on the scrambled adult channels late at night hoping to get a glance of what you think is a boob–Most of the time the audio was intact so you could really follow the plot

9.  Collecting the rain soaked Playboys that were left near a dumpster in  your neighborhood–”I am not sure why all these pages are stuck together”

10.  Playing Strip Poker on your Commodore 64–Suzi just lost her top

11.  Sneaking into the adult section at a movie rental store–”Honestly, I didn’t know what was back here, I thought it was the cartoon section”

12.  And of course–browsing through old National Geographic magazines–Making libraries exciting since 1888

Present Day

Your 11 year old son disables your porn blocker in exactly 3 seconds.  In reality, he knows more about computers than you do and mocks your feeble parental efforts as he and his friends sit down to watch the latest Jenna Haze and Sasha Grey features.

Are there any other old school methods out there that need to be included on this list?  Leave a comment and share the wealth!

1.  You are always ready to top any story that anyone is ever able to tell.  For instance, if a co-worker starts telling the story about how she lost both of her parents in a terrible plane crash, you quickly make up a story that you lost all 3 of your parents in a plane crash that involved a bunch of poisonous snakes.

2.  You regularly get into physical fights with people who try to persuade you that Snakes on a Plane was actually not based on a true story.

3.  Order a quarter pounder at McDonald’s and take out your food scale to measure the actual weight of the meat.  Even after the 19 year old manager explains that the disclaimer is that the patty is weighed prior to cooking, you still cause a scene until you get a free milkshake.

4.  Insist that you get your paycheck from your part time job at the gym get cashed only in Fives and Ones since you like your wallet to look full.

5. Attend a wedding wearing your Abercrombie polo shirt (yes, with a popped collar) and with more gold chains than Mr.T.  During the actual ceremony, you loudly criticize the bride’s tanning skills and suggest that she would have been better off using your brand of hair gel.  Once the reception starts, you scream at the DJ for not playing enough music that you can fist pump to and then cause outrage by erotically grinding with the groom’s grandmother.

6.  The last time you had a conversation over two minutes that did not include profanity was when you were in the third grade.

7.  Ruin a movie for everyone by making a protein shake in the middle of the theater using your battery operated blender.  After it is done, drink it with a straw, constantly making loud slurping noises.

8.  On Facebook, you get mad when all of your friends do not respond to every single one of your moronic posts.  Even though you have never once wished someone a happy birthday, congratulating them on a new baby, etc, you decide to de-friend everyone who was unable to respond to your new status update within ten minutes of you posting it.

9. Speaking of Facebook, your profile picture portrays you shirtless and showing off your new misspelled Asian tattoo.

10. While in line at the DMV, you decide to place a series of phone calls to your girlfriend in which you repeatedly get into 4 minute long screaming matches.  Of course, the no cell phones allowed sign does not pertain to you in this time of personal life emergency.  After all, how will you survive if you are unable to call her a “stupid bitch” once every twenty minutes?  Once it is your turn, you anger the rest of the crowd further by insisting that they re-take your license photo seven times.

11. You think it is okay to park your 1998 Yellow Hummer in the middle of two handicap spots just because it looks like it is going to rain and you have already done your hair.

12.  And about that Hummer, you bought it last year and tell everyone that the previous owner was a rapper who never got to use it since he was always on the west coast.  In reality, you got ripped off by the used car guy since you paid $15,000 for that piece of shit and you get about 4 miles to the gallon.

13.  Your cell phone ring tone is Barbie Girl from Aqua.

14.  Eat at Taco Bell for your previous four meals before boarding a transcontinental flight.  As soon as the captain takes down the seat belt sign, take care of some business in the rest room. Obviously, you forget to flush and before you exit you disable any type of air freshener devices that are present.  For bonus points, request a seat next to the bathroom, so you can enjoy watching the face of each horrified passenger as they enter and exit the debacle that you created.

15.  It is the bottom of the ninth inning in which your home town team’s pitcher is in the middle of a no hitter and you are at crowded sports bar.  You decide that this is a good time to tell everyone that they are stupid for believing in the dumb superstition about not talking about no hitters in progress.  When the next pitch results in a single, breaking up the gem, you then start calling the pitcher a choke artist and call for him to be traded.

16.  Your favorite teams are the New York Yankees, Dallas Cowboys, Los Angeles Lakers, and Notre Dame even though you have never lived in any of those cities and only spent one semester at a community college.

17.  Ask a Girl Scout if they have a low calorie cookie and then give her a five minute lecture about how many unhealthy ingredients that each cookie contains.

18.  You decide to explain to your little 4 year old niece that Santa Claus is not real and prove it to her by showing where your older sister has hidden all the gifts.  The following year, you have a hissy fit when you find out that you have not been invited to Christmas dinner.

19.  Go to your local supermarket and proceed to go aisle to aisle gathering supplies to make a sandwich worthy of being featured on Man vs Food.  Once you are finished creating your masterpiece, eat about 75% of it and then complain to the manager that the meat is bad.  Clearly, you will not be paying for anything today.

20.  Write a stupid blog post that will waste the time of all 5 of your readers and . . .