The Red Stapler Chronicles

What the Russian Spies Were Hoping to Accomplish

rutgerskevin — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 01:16:57 +0000

A couple of weeks ago, 11 Russian spies were arrested on charges of being part of a long-term, deep cover espionage ring run by the Russian intelligence service. These spies, including Anna Chapman (pictured below), were able to effectively blend into American neighborhoods.

So what were these Russian spies hoping to accomplish? What type of information did they hope to obtain. Luckily for you, the covert operations wing at The Red Stapler Chronicles (thanks Marina) was able to secure a top secret KGB document that listed the spies primary objectives. Here is just some of what was on this document:

–Create a Facebook game that will waste billions of hours of American workers’ time to cripple their economy and drive them to drink more Vodka.

–Find out who will replace Simon on American Idol.

–Discover what exactly makes up the Kentucky Fried Chicken Original Recipe.

–Confirm if Justiin Bieber is really just a sophisticated robot created by Disney.

–Construct and distribute an IPhone app that will millions of dumb Americans will blindly download that will contain a virus that will allow us to continuously monitor their communications.

–Determine what exactly happened on the last episodes of Soprano’s and Lost.

–Recruit Deadliest Catch Crab captains to sail and make profits for Mother Russia.

–Finalize the deal with Oprah to leave her show in 2012 to start similar show for the Russian Broadcast Network.

–Convince LeBron James to leave the NBA and join the Dynamo Moscow team. If possible bring along Dwayne Wade and Chis Bosh. In addition, since Putin is sick of tough interview questions, take Jim Gray as well.

–Find a way to discredit BP so that Lukoil can gain market share.

–Locate the inventor of the Snuggie and relocate him to a Siberian prison camp where he can receive his proper punishment for crimes against humanity.

–Destroy and Burn as many copies of The Hunt for Red October as possible. Duplicate process for Red Dawn and Rocky IV.

–Use female operatives to discredit Tiger Woods to make room for Russian golfer Lev Andropov to take the PGA by storm.

–Find out the retirement status of Brent Favre so that appropriate NFL bets can be made.

–Get Sarah Palin elected in 2012 in hopes of reacquiring Alaska

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The Real Reasons Why Mel Gibson is Crazy

rutgerskevin — Thu, 15 Jul 2010 19:40:31 +0000

Think you are having a bad day? I think I know someone who can trump your little sob story. No, I am not talking about Lindsay Lohan again. Instead, this week’s Celebrity meltdown goes to Mel Gibson.

It has certainly been a tough couple of weeks for actor Mel Gibson. In case you have not heard, a series of phone conversations with the mother of his child, Oksana Grigorieva, have been released to the media. These tapes are definitely worth listening to, so I encourage you to listen to an example of one below.

Now for Mel Gibson, it is time for damage control if he ever hopes to work in Hollywood again. But has he done too much damage already? Only time will produce that answer.

Luckily for you, we at the Red Stapler Chronicles have an inside source at the public relations firm that he uses. The following are just some of the excuses that will be leaked to the public to attempt to explain his erratic behavior:

10. As a celebrity, Gibson has gained access to the upcoming episodes of the second season of The Jersey Shore. After a little alcohol, he might have forgotten, while blow jobs before the Jacuzzi are customary on this reality show, they are not automatic in real life.

9. Mel has been overly jealous of fellow actor Kevin Costner since his oil cleanup device is getting all the attention.

8. He failed in out biding LeBron James in order to secure Jim Gray to conduct his made for TV special, “I really do respect Blacks and Jews.”

7. Claimed that his behavior was caused by the constant blowing of the vuvuzelas that stuck in his head after Australia’s First Round World Cup exit.

6. Just concerned about friend Lindsay Lohan’s recent legal troubles.

5. Once one of the wealthiest person on Earth, Mel’s fortune has quickly evaporated as he was too highly invested in BP.

4. Was just really affected by seeing a Double Rainbow.

3. Gibson has just been trying to win a “Who can act the craziest and ruin your career” bet with Signs co-star Joaquin Phoenix.

2. Upset that his new Iphone 4 keeps on dropping his important calls to Danny Glover.

1. Gibson falsely believed that he was a CIA agent (think A Beautiful Mind here) and was trying to expose Oksana as being part of the recent Russian spy ring.

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Does Going to Work Actually Cost You Money?

rutgerskevin — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 01:33:48 +0000

“My son is selling cookie dough to help pay for his high school band to play at a concert in Washington D.C. Would you like to buy some?”

“We are going to order out today and try out that new Chinese restaurant. What would you like?”

“Can you spare $10? We want to get Larry a nice retirement present.”

Yes, these are all things that you might hear at your office or workplace (Bonus points if you get the $100,000 pyramid reference) . Unfortunately, for someone on a tight budget, the questions above can quickly derail your budget. Luckily, there have been pioneers amongst us that have managed to solve these modern day predicaments. Here are three famous success stories:

1. It was a spring day in 2004 at Vandelay Industries, when latex importer Kenny Bania discovered an ingenious way to get out of his company’s lottery club. Each week, he was expected to put in $10 in a desperate attempt to win millions. Frustrated by throwing away this money each and ever week and fueled by his desire to save money to take some comedy classes, Kenny decided it was time to take a drastic action. The next day at work, Kenny announced that he was becoming a Morman to impress his fictional girlfriend and could not participate in any kind of gambling activity.

2. In late 2007, Wally Pixar solved one of man’s greatest office dilemmas at the Modesto, California location of Buy N Large. Wally liked to enjoy a cold Diet Coke during his lunch break so he visited the vending machine every day and donated $1.35 of his hard earned money. However, Wally wanted to save enough money to buy his girlfriend Eve a big engagement ring. Consequently, Wally had to choose between his love of Eve and his love of cold Diet Cokes. So he made the obvious choice and decided on both. Wally simply rescued the mini fridge that he had used in college from his parents’ basement and hid it under his desk. Using this strategy he was able to bring in Diet Cokes bought at a supermarket at a fraction of the cost of the vending machine. Therefore, Wally was able to saved his money and purchase a ring for Eve in only a couple of months.

3. The Year was 1999 at Nakatomi Corporation, when a young Holly Gennaro successfully pulled off one of the great frugal office maneuvers of all time. Trying to save some extra money to make a down payment on a new house, Holly grew increasingly sick of shelling out money every time on of her co-workers’ children were involved in some kind of charity sale for school or a club. Yes, she liked Girl Scout Cookies and she did believe it was admirable that a child was trying to help raise extra funds for their soccer team. However, Holly wanted to move into her dream house with her fiancee John as soon as possible.

As a result, Holly decided to frame a thank you letter that she received from the United Way for donating $5 two years ago in her cubicle. In addition, she changed her email signature to include “Please Donate to the United Way.” Finally, the next time she was asked to donate any money, she stated that she concentrates all her donations (which was technically true) to the United Way since they are so great. Holly would then proceed to endlessly talk about the United Way and how it helped people. In fact she did this so convincingly, she was soon known as the United Way lady at the office. Quickly, people stopped asking her for money.

Okay, maybe these examples are a little extreme. Still, I am sure that there is not a person in this country that has not fallen victim to one of these work related wallet shrinkers.

What are some workplace quandaries that you have experienced that threatened to deplete the funds in your banking account? How do you deal with these type of situations at work?

The 10 Best Movie Scenes about Quitting Your Job

rutgerskevin — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 20:47:28 +0000

The other day on Facebook, one of my friends posted an update about walking off his job after a fight with a co-worker. Not surprisingly, he got scores of comments about what a great feeling it must have been. Others chimed in with their own stories of gloriously quitting their jobs. Let’s face it, “Sticking it to the man” and boldly quitting your job is truly some kind of fantasy for a plethora of Americans.

How has Hollywood captured this fantasy on film? Here are ten great examples:

1. Fight Club

Technically, the Narrator really doesn’t quit in this famous scene, as he actually blackmails his boss to keep him on the payroll as an outside consultant and gets a stack of airline flight coupons. Still, this scene just had to be included on this list as the ultimate way to mortify your boss.

2. American Beauty

Another hero that is not only able to quit his job, but is also able to blackmail his former boss. Just watch the above scene.

3. Reality Bites

Ever work for a boss that was a complete idiot who completely relied on his/her staff to do avoid being exposed? In Reality Bites, Lelaina Pierce works for the Good Morning Grant Show and has do prepare everything in advance for the host. When Lelaina finally has enough of his crap, she changes his cue cards so that he utters such phrases like “Personally, I’ve always had an odd preference… for very, very young girls”

4. The Devil Wears Prada

Miranda Priestly is truly the boss from hell. However, Andrea Sachs gets her revenge by throwing her work-issued cellphone into a fountain in Paris and literally walks off the job.

5. Stripes

John the cab driver has a passenger that keeps on complaining about his driving. As a result, he decides on the middle a bridge that he no longer wants to take her to the airport. He simply pulls over, exits the cab, and walks home–leaving the complainer alone in the cab.

6. Office Space

Joanna expresses her flair by flicking off her boss.

7. The Truman Show

Truman gets sick of his job/manufactured life so he manages to escape, overcoming many obstacles. His parting words to his boss were not obscene but just simply, “In case I don’t see you — good afternoon, good evening and good night.

8. Showgirls

James Smith (the guy pictured above) gets to tell off his boss with the added bonus of walking into the sunset with Nomi.

9. Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead

Sue Ellen doesn’t want to smile while cleaning the fat vats at Clown Dog, so she walks off the job and leaves the job for poor Bryan to complete.

10. Jerry Maguire

Dorothy Boyd and the goldfish get the added bonus of quitting in front of the entire office–certainly worth some extra style points!!!

Now I’m sure I missed some great quitting scenes. Leave me a comment to let me know what other movies should have made this list.

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100 Movie Rules to Live By

rutgerskevin — Fri, 28 May 2010 00:49:57 +0000

I once passed by a book at Barnes and Noble entitled, All I Ever Really Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten :) However, I don’t really believe this to be true. Instead, all you really need to know can be learned from movies. Here is what I mean:

1. The first rule of Fight Club, is that you don’t talk about Fight Club.

2. The second rule of Fight Club, is that you don’t talk about Fight Club.

3. Keep him out of the light. –Gremlins

4. Don ‘t get him wet. –Gremlins

5. Never, never feed him after midnight. –Gremlins

6. There’s no crying in baseball. –A League of Their Own

7. Don’t get mad, get even. –Animal House

8. I shall serve no fries before their time. –Fast Times at Ridgemont High

9. You never let on how much you like a girl –Fast Times at Ridgemont High

10. You always call the Shots. –Fast Times at Ridgemont High

11. Act like wherever you are, that’s the place to be. –Fast Times at Ridgemont High

12. When ordering food, you find out what she wants, then order for the both of you. It’s a classy move. –Fast Times at Ridgemont High

13. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV. –Fast Times at Ridgemont High

14. No Shirt. . . No Shoes. . .No Dice. –Fast Times at Ridgemont High

15. You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world. –Fight Club

16. You shook Sinatra’s hand. You should know better. –Ocean’s Thirteen

17. Never get less than twelve hours sleep. –Teen Wolf

18. Never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city. –Teen Wolf

19. Never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. –Teen Wolf

20. Don’t fuck with the babysitter! –Adventures in Babysitting

21. Never get involved in a land war in Asia. –The Princess Bride

22. Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line. –The Princess Bride

23. Nobody puts Baby in a corner. –Dirty Dancing

24. Follow the Yellow Brick Road. –The Wizard of Oz

25. Get busy living or get busy dying. –The Shawshank Redemption

26. You don’t commit to a relative unless you’re absolutely positive they have a pulse. –Wedding Crashers

27. Do not sit in the corner and sulk. It draws attention in a negative way. –Wedding Crashers

28. It’s never cheating when you’re in a different area code, not to mention a different state. –Road Trip

29. Let’s say that you were sleeping with two girls at the same time, it- it wouldn’t be cheating because they would cancel each other out. –Road Trip

30. If you’re too wasted to remember- it is not cheating. Because if you can’t really remember it, it never really took place. –Road Trip

31. It’s not cheating if you spread peanut butter on your balls and let your dog lick it off. Because it’s your dog! –Road Trip

32. Don’t cross the streams. –Ghostbusters

33. If someone asks if you are a god, you say, “Yes!” –Ghostbusters

34. Do or do not. There is no try. –The Empire Strikes Back

35. Your eyes can deceive you; don’t trust them. –Star Wars

36. It rubs the lotion on it’s skin, or else it gets the hose again. –The Silence of the Lambs

37. Nobody can eat 50 eggs. –Cool Hand Luke & Reality Bites

38. Stay above 50. –Speed

39. A person should not believe in an -ism, he should believe in himself. –Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

40. When you get in a fight with a drunk you don’t hit him with your pitching hand. –Bull Durham

41. Don’t think; it can only hurt the ball club. –Bull Durham

42. A player on a streak has to respect the streak. –Bull Durham

43. Don’t try to strike everybody out. Strikeouts are boring! Besides that, they’re fascist. Throw some ground balls - it’s more democratic. –Bull Durham

44. You can’t handle the truth. –A Few Good Men

45. You don’t score; until you score. American Pie

46. You cannot make friends with the rock stars –Almost Famous

47. Never take it seriously, if ya never take it seriously, ya never get hurt, ya never get hurt, ya always have fun, and if you ever get lonely, just go to the record store and visit your friends. –Almost Famous

48. Definitely, two days (before calling) is like an industry standard. –Swingers

49. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball. –Dodgeball

50. Show me the money! –Jerry McGuire

51. Take the Fall, Act Hurt, Get Indignant! –The Mighty Ducks

52. Women weaken legs. –Rocky

53. You ain’t cool, unless you pee your pants. –Billy Madison

54. I’m not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school… or a Chuck E. Cheese. –The Hangover

55. Don’t text me, it’s gay. –The Hangover

56. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes. That shit will come back with you. –The Hangover

57. Tigers love pepper… they hate cinnamon. –The Hangover

58. I promise teach karate to you, you promise learn. I say, you do, no questions. –The Karate Kid

59. Never take advice from someone who lives above a garage. –The Perfect Score

60. If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it is that you can kill anyone. –The Godfather 2

61. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. –The Godfather 2

62. No Sicilian can ever refuse a request on his daughter’s wedding day. –The Godfather

63. If you build it, he will come. –Field of Dreams

64. Lunch is for wimps. –Wall Street

65. If you need a friend, get a dog. –Wall Street

66. Stop going for the easy buck and start producing something with your life. Create, instead of living off the buying and selling of others. –Wall Street

67. Every time you hear a bell ring, it means that some angel’s just got his wings. –It’s a Wonderful Life

68. Bet two for good, one for bad. –Rain Man

69. I’ll let you in on a little secret, Ray. K-Mart sucks. –Rain Man

70. The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone. –Airplane

71. Follow the money. –All the President’s Men

72. Never underestimate the power of denial. –American Beauty

73. Don’t mess with the bull, young man. You’ll get the horns! –The Breakfast Club

74. Be afraid. Be very afraid. –The Fly

75. White Men Can’t Jump.

76. It’s good to be the king! –History of the World Part 1

77. There’s always someone younger and hungrier coming down the stairs after you. –Showgirls

78. If there is one thing the history of evolution has taught us it’s that life will not be contained. –Jurassic Park

79. When you gotta go, you gotta go –Jurassic Park

80. The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room. –American Gangster

81. Goonies never say die! –Goonies

82. With great power comes great responsibility. –Spiderman

83. Use small children as shields, bears like soft tender meat. –Semi-Pro

84. When life gives you lemons, just say ‘Fuck the lemons,’ and bail. –Forgetting Sara Marshall

85. 99% of everything done in the world, good or bad, is done to pay a mortgage. Perhaps the world would be a better place if everyone rented. –Thank You for Smoking

86. Every man dies. Not every man really lives. –Braveheart

87. There’s only two men I trust. One of ‘em’s me, the other one’s not you. –Con Air

88. If there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say. –Ghostbusters

89. When I was a kid, my father told me, “never hit anyone in anger, unless you’re absolutely sure you can get away with it. –Stripes

90. Life’s a garden Dig it. –Joe Dirt

91. You can’t respect someone who kisses your ass. It just doesn’t work. –Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

92. There’s no place like home. –The Wizard of Oz

93. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain! –The Wizard of Oz

94. Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son. –Animal House

95. Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. –Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

96. It’s classified. I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you. –Top Gun

97. Losers always whine about their best. Winners go home and fuck the prom queen. –The Rock

98. Don’t tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead.

99. You don’t leave your wing man. Top Gun

100. Take me to bed or lose me forever. Top Gun

Did I miss any that need to be added onto this list? Let me know, and I will add it!!

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How to Solve the BP Oil Spill Problem

rutgerskevin — Mon, 24 May 2010 22:46:36 +0000

As the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico gets worse by the second, the execs at BP seem clueless on how to stop the leaking oil well. Many have called for the government to intervene and take over the entire cleanup. I for one agree.

President Obama should use his executive power and force BP to merge with a couple of different companies in order to fix this fiasco. As a matter a fact, Obama should use this opportunity to help the general public by forcing a couple of other companies to merge.

Here are some examples of mergers you can expect to hear about in the near future:

BP and MTV

Who better to use up all the spilled oil and grease than the cast of The Jersey Shore? Here is the situation: Have the show relocate to Louisiana and let the cast use the spill on the hair styles. Problem solved.

BP and Sham Wow

Just let Vince do a series of demonstrations of this German engineered miracle, and the oil spill would be history.

BP and Kotex

Hmmm. As oil continues to gush out of the ocean floor. . . Make your own joke here.

BP and Nickelodeon

Yes, send SpongeBob Square Pants to the rescue! I even took the liberty to re-write the SpongeBob theme song to commemorate this event.

Oh! Who lives in the pineapple under the sea

SpongeBob Square Pants

Absorbent and yellow, he’ll bail out BP

SpongeBob Square Pants

Oil is no match for the man with square pants

SpongeBob Square Pants

The Gulf will be cleaned, saving fish and the plants

SpongeBob Square Pants

Okay, that is enough about BP, what about some other companies that should merge to help us all out?

Toyota and Duct Tape

There is no more need for the recall. A little Duct Tape will solve the problem.

McDonald’s and Lipitor

Part of Obamacare will be that every Happy Meal will contain some Lipitor. No more unnecessary trips to the doctor or emergency room for clogged arteries will equal less taxes.

Taco Bell and Pepto Bismol

Run to the Border=Run to the Toliet Think about all the people that would benefit from this merger. Rumors are out there that the toilet paper industry is actively lobbying against this merger.

Ford and The Salvation Army

Ding Ding Ding! Ding Ding Ding! Come donate money to help feed the hungry, help out victims of disasters, and bail out Detroit.

Cialis and Scrubbing Bubbles

After getting down and dirty in one of those bath tubs, you are going to do a little clean up before the next Cialis session,

Disney and Cash for Gold

Want to take your family to our over priced theme parks? We can now help you out a little by melting down your gold at the ticket line. Receive a dwarf-like payment of the actual value of your goad while we charge you $8 for a Coke.

Did I miss any mergers that would help us all out? Let me know.

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What We Really Look for When Checking Out Old Classmates on Facebook

rutgerskevin — Thu, 13 May 2010 02:11:42 +0000

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to do something that I had previously told myself that I would never do–I started adding old classmates from my high school as friends on Facebook. For most people, completing this task was one of their first Facebook accomplishments and really no big deal. However, for someone like me who did not keep in touch with a single classmate and has not come within 100 miles of any reunion, this undertaking was worthy of sharing.

As a result of my Facebook journey, I began to ponder what most people look for when they check out old classmates on Facebook.

1. Did they age well? Let’s get real here, is there anyone out there that can tell me that they didn’t take even a little joy in knowing that you don’t look as old as some of your classmates? That’s what I thought.

2. What is their marital status? I found it interesting to see which high school sweethearts got married to each other, who is on their fourth marriage, and, of course, who finally came out of the closet.

3 How many kids do they have? Taking this a step forward, I looked to see who decided or “decided” to have kids at an early age, who is starting their own little village, and best of all, whose kids all have different last names. For the record, I found a former classmate that has 6 children with 4 different last names.

4. Do they have any visible prison tattoos? I really do not think any more explanation is needed here.

5. Are they rich? A great man once said, “It’s all about the Benjamins baby.” Looking for pictures of a Mercedes in the driveway, updates about a weekend in the Hamptons, and 27 albums of various vacation pictures from every exotic location imaginable all might give you a clue about the financial success of your classmate.

6. Do they still live in the same hometown? At my high school, one of the most uniform goals was to get out of our boring town. Of course, as you get older, living in such a town does become much more desirable and using your parents for free childcare is an added bonus. Still, it is funny that some of the loudest critics of our hometown chose to stay in it to live their own lives.

7. Did they become famous in some way? Did the football star end up in the NFL? Did anyone from the dram club star in any commercials? Did anyone write a book? Through Facebook, I discovered that my class can boast a minor movie star.

8. Did the High School Bully end up miserable and alone? Can you say Karma?

9. Are they friends with their high school sweetheart? Remember that couple in high school that was together for three years and had to be separated with a jaws of life machine every time the bell rang? I do, and found it entertaining that their current husband and wife are okay with them being high school friends. I found it even more entertaining to see them constantly share cryptic high school memories on each others’ walls like “Remember your mom’s basement”

10. Have they had plastic surgery? Beach pictures can often tell wonders. . .

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10 Movies That Make You Want to Join the Military

rutgerskevin — Mon, 03 May 2010 23:21:56 +0000

Ever watch a action or war movie that really pumped you up?

Well, it turns out that this was not a coincidence. The fact is that the U.S. military secretly funds movies that glorify life in the military. A top secret document obtained by The Red Stapler Chronicles exposes 10 movies that were secretly financially backed by Uncle Sam, and 5 movies that the military tried to shut down. Here are the movies in question.

1. The Delta Force–Who wouldn’t want to team up with Chuck Norris and kick some terrorist ass. As an added bonus, you get to ride around in a cool motorcycle with rockets.

2. Iron Eagle–Yes sir, colonel sir, with the help of your high school friends and Chappy you can fly into the Mid East and rescue your Dad.

3. Red Dawn–Kill those Russians. Wolverines!!!!!!!

4. Stripes–Join the Army and get to ride around in a pimped out RV. And don’t forget the advanced marching skills you will obtain from hours of rigorous Army training

5. Top Gun–Buzzing the tower just looks like so much fun

6. Down Periscope–Join the Navy and you get to play Pirate with your buddies. . . Sounds good to me!

7. Rambo–I wonder what his kill count was for each movie. . .

8. Navy Seals–Charlie Sheen doesn’t just beat his wife, he can beat the shit out of terrorists as well.

9. Heartbreak Ridge–Drill Sargent Gunny Highway will mold you into a kick ass machine.

10. Good Mourning Vietnam–If Robin WIlliams can survive in the military, surely we could as well. Apparently, all you have to do is make fun of your superiors and place watermelon baseball with the Vietnamese.

And the five movies that the military unsuccessfully tried to stop:

1. Saving Private Ryan–If every military recruit was forced to watch the clip below from the 2:40 mark, our military would be as powerful as France’s.

2. Platoon–The military is so much fun. We kill each other and then destroy entire villages full of women and children.

3. Born on the Fourth of July–Join the military, end up with no penis and in a wheel chair for life. Where do I sign?

4. The Deer Hunter–At least you get to learn a new game from Russia (sorry that I couldn’t find a clip in English)

5. Jarhead–Some might argue with me on this one. However, fighting for your country while your girlfriend/wife cheats on you is not exactly motivating to me.

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Financial Lessons That Should be Added to Sesame Street

rutgerskevin — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 01:21:58 +0000

As the stock market hovers around eleven thousand, some are celebrating the end of the worst of our economic times. Whether this belief is accurate or not has yet to be determined. What is certain is that we must never repeat the financial mistakes that were made that lead us into this recession in the first place.

So how can we make sure that we never find ourselves in such a perilous financial position. Simple. All we have to do is teach the next generation about money matters using the same tool that we use to teach them how to read and write.

Of course, I am talking about Sesame Street. By making just a couple of changes to the plot lines of this hit television show, we can educate our children and avoid repeating our mistakes.

Here are a couple of examples of these plot lines that should be included in future episodes of Sesame Street:

1. Elmo plunges into massive credit card debt after foolishly using his Sesame Street Visa card that he signed up for to get a free t-shirt. After charging over $10,000 worth of special Tickle massages in Chinatown and an exotic fish tank for his beloved goldfish Dorthy, Elmo now get non-stop calls from collection agents.

2. Cookie Monster’s health insurance rates go up because of his unusual diet. He tries to appeal to the insurance company, but to no avail. Since his premiums now take up so much of his income, Cookie Monster now has to resort to buying stale cookies at a dollar store.

3. Big Bird loses his job and foolishly cashes out his 401K. Although he eventually finds another job, his finances suffer a major blow when he has to pay the IRS a substantial amount the following April. Later, when all of his friends have retired from Snuffleupagus Corporation, Big Bird is forced to continue to work.

4. Grover decides to move away from Sesame Street to a house that he really could not afford. After the housing boom goes bad, Grover owes more money on his house than it is actually worth. A year later, Grover’s house is foreclosed and he is forced to move into a basement apartment on the “bad side” of Sesame Street.

5. Bert tries to raise some extra money to take some classes in order to advance at work. He thinks he is making a great decision in selling his paper clip collection on Ebay for $6000. However, Bert fails to report this income to the government, and the IRS is now demanding their share plus interest and a severe penalty.

6. Guy Smiley achieves some financial success when one of his game shows gets syndicated. He hires an agent to help further his career, but unwisely grants him power of attorney. Unfortunately for Guy, his agent invests all of his money with Bernie Madoff, and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you the rest of this sad story.

7. Mr. Hooper does not make a will and when he passes away his store, house, and all other assets are seized by the state. Gordon and Susan have currently spent thousands on attorney fees to try to save his store.

8. Ernie mistakenly thinks that he can claim his Rubber Duckie as a dependent and commits this mistake year after year. By the time the IRS catches this mistake, Ernie owes close to a hundred thousand dollars and is forced to borrow money from Bert.

9. Oscar experiences severe money problems during the 25 week old sanitation strike. Had Oscar started an emergency fund instead of upgrading his cable when times were better, he would have been able to ride out the strike without going into serious debt.

10. The Count loved to spend his time counting all the money he saved by not having health insurance. However, one of his pet bats gives him rabies and the medical bills plunge him into bankruptcy. Eventually, the Count even loses his treasured castle and resorts to moving in with Bert and Ernie.

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Ten Celebrities Who Will Die This Year

rutgerskevin — Tue, 06 Apr 2010 18:43:15 +0000

During my trip to Atlantic city, I noticed that the Boardwalk was littered by three types of establishments: weird dollar stores, massage parlors, and psychics consultants. Since I was bored and needed to take a break from donating my money to the casinos, I decided to visit one of the psychics. Although Olga the Ukrainian psychic could not tell me anything about my future, she did reveal the tragic fate of ten celebrities. Here is a list of the unfortunate celebs that will meet their doom in the very near future:

10. Kate Gosselin Why would a seemingly healthy 34 year old mother of 8 be on a list like this? Does she have any kind of secret ailment? Nope. The fact is that she is very likely to be a victim of murder. My guess is that her Dancing With the Stars partner Tony Dolovani will get sick of all her nagging and complaining and do a tango on her head.

9. Mike Tyson Just when you thought Mike Tyson was on the right track, his filming of The Hangover 2 will turn tragic. Once again, Tyson’s tiger will play a big part in the plot. While feeding his beloved pet, Tyson accidentally mistakenly sprinkles cinnamon on the tiger’s food resulting in the deadly attack.

8. Nicholas Sparks The best selling author is known for his books that were made into movies including, A Walk to Remember, The Notebook, Dear John, and The Last Song. Sparks will be murdered by an angry man who was tired of being dragged to “chick flicks” and then criticized for not being as romantic as the characters in his movies.

7. Kirstie Alley It would be too easy to insert a clogged arteries or overweight statement here. Kirstie will really die because of the new weight loss program that she is promoting, “Organic Liaison” will prove to be unsafe. The natural weight loss and diet supplements supplied by the system will turn out to cause chronic explosive diarrhea that will lead to her dehydration and eventually her death.

6. Amy Winehouse Just look at the above picture. Does this look like a healthy individual to you? Amy will die when her new eye makeup causes an eye infection that spreads throughout her body.

5. Tiger Woods No, I don’t think that Elin will get her revenge. Nor do I think that one of his extracurricular special friends will go Fatal Attraction on him. Instead, other members of the PGA tour, sick of fielding non-stop Tiger questions, will find a way to eliminate him. Expect to hear about a story about how Tiger will perish via a runaway golf cart “accident.”

4. Dick Vitale He actually did die yesterday, having become overly excited over Duke’s victory over Butler. It will probably take a while for the authorities to find his dead body since he was so far up Coach K’s rectum. I would expect the news to hit the mainstream media by August.

3. Tom Cruise One of the most famous Scientologists, Cruise decides to start his own splinter cult and organizes a mass suicide. However, after Cruise drinks the Kool-aid first, his followers abandon the plan and leave his body to rot in the California desert.

2. Oprah Winfrey Will kill herself after hearing about #3.

1. Lindsay Lohan This one really is a no brainer. The only real mystery is how she will die. Suicide? Accidental Overdose? Having a lethal combination of six different STD’s at once? As of now it is just too difficult to foresee the exact cause of her death. What is certain is that even Dr. Drew’s 11th hour intervention could not save poor Lindsay.

Did Olga miss anyone? Leave me a comment to let her know who else should be on this list!!

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