The Red Stapler Chronicles

Do you have some doubts that the neighborhood that you are living in has taken a turn for the worse?  Sometimes, this can be a hard question to answer especially if we see the world with rose-colored glasses.  Fortunately, I have come up with this simple list that will help you make your determination.

You see so many stolen supermarket carts next to dumpsters and front porches that you wonder if there are actually any left at the store.

There are more than two cars parked on a front yard on your block.

The ratio of pawn shops to convenient stores is greater than 5 to 1.

You can walk to more than three Bail Bondsman in less than five minutes.

Your neighbor is selling rabbits for the meat.

The sign on the road leading to your town says “Welcome to Detroit”

There is an abandoned, burnt out cop car parked in the grass medium.

The biggest beer display at the liquor store is dedicated to Colt 45.

Your daily entertainment is watching the Rent-A-Center truck try to repossess your deadbeat neighbor’s furniture while they pretend not to be home.

There are still payphones at every corner and people using them non-stop.

You last saw an Ice Cream Truck in 1986.

The closest movie theater only shows porn.

In the winter, the majority of garbage cans are used as impromptu campfires.

The closest Starbucks in 20 miles away.

Every Friday, you can see the line for the check cashing place from your home.

The mailman wears a bullet proof vest.

Brad Pitt wants to help out and build new houses on your block.

You can go to a local store and buy a single cigarette for 30 cents.

Did I miss any?  Leave me a comment and let me know!

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As I continue my job search, I have seen countless ads from companies selling the benefits of working at their great company. It made me wonder, what fictional companies would be the best to work for and what might their job postings look like.

1.  Ghostbusters, established in 1084, offers it employees competitive pay, daily use of a fun sliding pole, and unlimited use of a fleet of company cars (nicknamed the Ecto fleet). CEO Peter Venkman is a notorious prankster and keeps things fun around the company. In addition, all employees of Ghostbusters receive free uniforms every month and get to play with all sorts of cool gadgets. Contact Janine at 555-2368 –”We are ready to hire you”

2.  The Bada Bing, speaking of fun sliding poles, this strip club was twice named by New Jersey magazine as one the Top 10 places to work in the entertainment industry.  Owner/Operator Silvio Dante makes sure all of his employees are happy and receive “special benefits.” Located in scenic Lodi, New Jersey, just seconds from Route 17, The Bada Bing is conveniently located for those who are just looking for a second job in the neighborhood.  Wait 10 minutes at the payphone on the corner of 12th street and Spruce to schedule an interview.

3.  InGen is the largest Genetic Engineering company in the World. CEO John Hammond’s devotion to pure research is known worldwide and InGen scientists have made 55 genetic discoveries just this year.  In addition, to opportunities across the United States, we are hiring for a very exciting project in Costa Rica.  Visit are website www.jpark.com/jobs to apply.

4.  The Peach Pit is not just a great place to eat, but also a great place to work.  Owner Nat can often be seen behind the counter, working hand in hand with his employees.  The Peach Pit not only offers competitive salaries, but also a generous 50% discount for family and friends. Contact Nat at 559-0210 for more information.

5.  Springfield Nuclear Power Plant–No experience, No training, No intelligence?  No problem!  The Springfield Nuclear Power Plant my not have the best safety rating, but it does do well in employment satisfaction surveys.  This is no surprise because of the daily free box of donuts they give to every single employee and the fact that most of it’s employees just feel lucky to have a job.  CEO Montgomery Burns can afford to treat his employees in this manner because his company has a virtual monopoly on Springfield’s power supply.  Contact Waylon Smithers to schedule an interview at 555-3223.

6.  Spacely Space Sprockets Like to work with computers?  If you answered yes, a career at Spacely Sprockets may be for you.  We offer the a 9 hour/week workweek and have been rated the best company to work for by Money magazine every year since 2062.  Although CEO Cosmo Spacely may temporarily fire you from time to time, he usually will end up hiring you right back :)  Don’t get stuck working for Cogswell Cogs, contact Rudi today at 555-3487

7.  Vandelay Industries–The world’s largest imported/exported of latex products.  Founded by George Costanza in 1995, Vandelay Industries takes pride in providing opportunities for those who are currently unemployed.  Our sales force is top notch and we pay the highest commissions in the industry.  If you are interested in starting a career in the latex world, contact Susan Ross at sross@vandelay.com

8. Dunder Mifflin–Simply the leader in paper, Dunder Mifflin strives for excellence when it comes to paper distribution. We make it our goal to meet all of our customer’s needs and guarantee full customer satisfaction.  Our corporate offices are located in New York City and we also have opportunities in our field offices such as Scranton, PA.  Contact Pam Beesly at 1-800-PAPER PRO ext 4510

9.  Big Kahuna Burger Sick of the normal Fast Food Grind?  Well, Big Kahuna Burger can offer you something different,  The Hawaiian-themed burger chain can offer you flexible hours, advancement opportunities, and as many Big Kahuna Burgers and shakes and you can eat for free. Contact Brett at 555-8432

10.  Sterling-Cooper-Draper-Price Located in the Mecca of the advertising world, Madison Avenue in New York City, Sterling-Cooper-Draper-Price is positioned to make a major dent in the creative world.  Already the holder of the prized Lucky Stripe account, the firm seems to grow on a daily basis.  Sterling-Cooper-Draper-Price not only offers competitive salaries, but also boasts the prettiest secretaries in the business.  Contact Joan Holloway at 555-6412

Honorable Mentions: Callahan Auto Parts, Oceanic Airlines, Rex Kwan Do, Willy Wonka’s, and Merlotte’s

Have any companies that need to be on this list?  Leave a comment and let me know!

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Yes, it is that time of the year again.  You know, when Brett Favre decides he is not getting enough media attention and floats retirement rumors.  Does he care about the welfare of his team?  Nope.  Favre only looks out for his own interests and bank account.

So why does Brett behave in this manner?  Here are some of the reasons why Favre is allowing this year’s retirement circus speculation to occur.

1.  He is Giving ESPN execs time to put together a 2 hour decision special sponsored by AARP

2.  Farve is thinking about running against Wyclef Jean for President in Haiti and needs more time to decide and establish his Haitian residency

3.  He was absent the day in Kindergarten when they discussed The Boy Who Cried Wolf

4.  Heard there might be an opening as a judge on American Idol and has always had a secret crush on Ryan Seacrest

5.  Pledges to help clean up the oil spill in his beloved gulf for 285 straight days.

6.  Brett is four episodes behind with True Blood and they don’t have HBO at Vikings training camp.

7.  Wants to pursue his courtship of Jenn Sterger.  See this link for more details.

8.  Too busy playing Farmville to continue playing in the NFL

9. Wants to be traded back to the Jets so he can get on Hard Knocks.

10. Just following ESPN’s summer programming schedule.

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