The Red Stapler Chronicles

The most common question that people email me, is how I got into blogging.  As life usually is, the answer is complicated.

My blogging roots can really be traced to a night in June of 2005. Around 4:00 am on June 11th, I awoke to smoke in my apartment and then screams. The apartment next to mine was engulfed in fire. By the time the fire department was able to control the fire, my apartment was completely destroyed. Since I am a complete idiot (and had just switched to Geico to save money on my car insurance, voiding my “package deal” that included renter’s insurance), I had no insurance. DOHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Luckily for me, my family, friends, and co-workers had my back and helped me get back on my feet (and then some). Still, I was motivated to quickly replenish my savings. As a result, I started researching different ways to make money online. After browsing through countless scams, I found a couple of GPT sites (Get Paid To) that seemed legit and I skeptically gave them a try.  I started doing research studies, completing offers, and referring other people to these sites and I actually started making some money.  No, I wasn’t getting rich, but it was nice to earn some extra money (To see how much money I made, and what programs I used, check out my Current Earnings page .

Now to really make money with these GPT programs, you have to be able to refer others.  I was able to do this by putting my affiliate link on multiple message boards on Myspace and other sites.  Eventually, GPT programs began to ban members who basically spammed message boards like I was doing, so I was forced to find another way to get referrals.  Creating crappy websites on domains like freewebs is how I accomplished this task.

While benchmarking how other top GPT performers were making their money, I discovered the power of blogs in 2008.  Although I was intrigued by how these bloggers were able to generate referrals and make money with advertisements, it seemed like blogging would eat up too much of my time.  But the blogging gods apparently wanted me to start writing, so they caused me to end a six year old relationship:)  Consequently, I now had a lot of free time on my hands and was out of excuses.

Even though I always enjoyed writing, I was not sure if I would last more than 10 posts.  But stupid ideas for posts seemed to keep entering my head.

And the rest is blogging history.  . .

No, this is not some type of story about a massage parlor in Chinatown.

Instead, have you ever wondered what happened to your favorite nerdy characters after the movie ends?  Did they end up with the cliched ending of marrying the cheerleader and having 6 children?  Did the years of torment cause them to gun down a group of shoppers at the local mall?  Are the now serving as the CEO of a major company?

Well, wonder no more.  A group of internet entrepreneurs led by Paul Pfiefer, Arvid Engan, and Vinnie Delpino are set to launch a new website called MrScreetch.com that will chronicle all the best nerdy scenes in cinema history.  More importantly, the site will include a “Where are they now?” section which was leaked to The Red Stapler Chronicles by a disgruntled web designer.  Here are some of the highlights:

Louis Tully from Ghostbusters–Louis is still married to Janine (the former secretary) and now serves as CFO of Ghostbusters Incorporated.  In 2008, the couple celebrated the birth of their third child.  Winston joins brother Egon and sister Zuul in this happy family.  Louis still makes some supplementary income by making appearances as the fifth Ghostbuster from time to time,

Eugene Felnic from Grease–After divorcing Cha Cha DiGregorio for infidelity in 1999, Eugene married Frenchie in 2003.  Eugene is now a famous video game designer for Protovision and the happy couple live in Sunnydale, California.

Lucas Blye from Lucas–Lucas became a millionaire at age 16 after successfully suing the football coach and school district for letting him play without parental consent.  Unfortunately, this was not enough to lure his beloved Maggie from Cappie.  But don’t shed any tears for Lucas.  He is now a prominent Entomologist at UCLA and is known to “tutor” a different co-ed every semester.

Chuck Sherman from American Pie–Those who payed attention to the sequels know that the Sherminator is now a successful guidance counselor and YES, he is still with Nadia.  What you probably don’t know is that Sherman recently launched a webcam site (staring Nadia among other hotties) that has made him millions.  Chuck is also considering running for Governor of California.

Wyatt Donnelly from Weird Science–Finally started going through puberty in 2003, Wyatt is thoroughly enjoying himself with the local dating scene and his answering machine currently states that he is taking a shower with his latest Lisa.  Wyatt designed the software that most plastic surgeons use to simulate the results of a breast enlargement.

Napoleon Dynamite–After dating Deb throughout High School, the sweethearts went to different colleges and could not make it work.  Luckily for Napoleon, Lafawndu introduced him to her sister, Malkeisha who was very impressed with his killer dance moves.  Napoleon and Malkeisha were married in 2008 and just welcomed their first child, Rico, to their family.  Also, Napoleon plans to serve as Pedro’s campaign manager for the Idaho state senate.

Data Wang from The Goonies–Data ended up following up in his father’s footsteps and become a prominent inventor.  Among Data’s more successful inventions–The Ipod, the Kindle, and of course the Sham Wow (german engineered my ass!!!).  More recently, Data financed a journey to find One Eyed Willie’s secret treasure stash in the South Pacific.  The Discovery Channel plans to broadcast this modern day treasure hunt on a new reality show planned for the fall of 2010.

Klitz for The Girl Next Door–Two words:  Porn star.  Enough said.

Kyle Edwards from Road Trip–Married college sweetheart Rhonda in 2004.  The two now run a very successful plus size risque lingerie company called Cheetah Wear.  Named to the Ithica Hall of Distinguished Alumni earlier this year and is being considered for next years Dancing with the Stars.

Pee Wee from Porky’s–After 20 years of courting her, Pee-Wee finally convinced Wendy Williams to marry him in 2002.   Pee-Wee is now owns a successful night club of his own in Angel Beach named Balbricker’s Beauties.

Spaz from Meatballs–Finally gave up on his attempt to make “stacking” an Olympic event, Spaz has now assumed 100% control of Camp Northstar.  Under his leadership, Camp North Star has defeated Camp Mohawk in the last 7 Olympiads.  Spaz also made history as one of the first Americans to have Lasik surgery.

Ronald Miller from Can’t Buy Me Love–Did buy a new telescope after graduating from high school and majored in Astronomy at the University of Arizona.  Ronald now works on a classified project for NASA.  Ronald is a proud supported of the arts and donates thousands to PBS every year.  And yes, he is married to Cindy Mancini

Do you remember the Garbage Pail Kids trading cards? First released in 1985, these trading cards were designed to make fun of the nation’s Cabbage Patch Kid mania. Each card featured a Garbage Pail Kid character, with some comical abnormality and/or suffering some terrible fate, and a humorous, word play-rich character name.

Recently, executives at Topps trading cards released some of the Garbage Pail Kids that just were not good enough to be published.   Here is a sampling of some of them:

Chutes and Ladders, originally known as Snakes and Ladders in England, was introduced to the United States in 1943 by American board game pioneer Milton Bradley.  The game was supposed to teach a little morality to our youth by showing the effects of good and bad deeds.  Instead, Chutes and Ladders has been  responsible for corrupting millions of American children with contradictory messages, unjust punishments, and causing severe psychological damage.

What am I talking about?  Consider the following examples taken directly from the game:

Intended lesson–Don’t show off while ridding your bike.

Why did they have to choose an African American little boy for this lesson? That’s blatant racism Milton Bradley!! Also think of the thousands of kids will real talent who could have been X-Games stars. Instead, these robbed children were taught that doing tricks on your bike is wrong and a 4-space punishable offense.

Intended lesson–Don’t play ball in the house.

With the current salaries in Major League Baseball being so rediciously high, is this the message we really want to send?   Also, this series of events really tricks our youth into underestimating the value of things.   Is a kid really going to have enough money in his piggy bank to cover the costs of a window?  Very Doubtful!  As a side note, this is the first documented case of a negative activity occurring while someone is wearing a baseball hat backwards.  Think about how mainstream that idea is today.

Intended lesson–Little Girls should bake a cake.

And then we wonder why many boys grew up with the notion that woman belong in the kitchen baking them cakes??  Did this little girl have permission to bake this cake?  Should she be operating an oven at her age?  Think about how many fires were started across America by little girls trying to duplicate this 10-space feat.  Finally, as we will discuss later, it is interesting that baking a cake is viewed as a positive thing, while eating chocolate or a freaking cookie is viewed as a negative.

Intended lesson–Don’t eat an entire box of chocolate.

Although I agree with this message, I think the penalty is WAY too severe.  Losing 38 spaces for going a little overboard on the chocolate is clearly excessive.  It is this type of thinking that leads to millions of Americans developing eating disorders every year.  Plus, here is the first example of the contradictory messages that Chutes and Ladders sends to our youth.  It’s okay to bake yourself an entire cake, but you can’t have a couple pieces of chocolate.  For shame!!!

Intended lesson–Don’t be a sneak and eat a cookie.

And now we get to the single biggest punishment in Chutes and Ladders–a devastating 63 spaces!!!  What was this boy’s crime?  Did he steal.  Did he fight?  Did he torture an animal?  Nope.  All this poor kid did was use his creativity to climb an obstacle to eat a cookie.  WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  If his parents had not stupidly put the cookie jar in such a hard to get to place, the entire cookie jar breaking incident could have been avoided.  Terrible parenting here.  All children know that the “good stuff” will be hidden or placed in a high place.  Think about where you found your first playboy?  The liquor in the house?  The matches?  Perhaps if the cookies were left in a normal location, the child’s desire to eat one would be decreased.

Intended lesson–Don’t draw on the walls.

Again, what is with the blatant racism?  Are we surprised that many of our inner cities are now littered with graffiti?  This type of behavior was learned, and it was learned from Chutes and Ladders.  Moreover, it is also easy to see why the Arts are so poorly funded in this country.  Anyone who shows any type of artistic ability as a child gets put back 20 spaces.

intended lesson–Don’t try to do too much at once.

This poor little girl is just trying to do a good thing by putting the dishes away.  Just because she was a little overambitious, she pets punished 43 spaces.  43 spaces for trying to do the right thing??? Next time you wonder why your kids don’t want to help do the dishes, you’ll know why.

Intended message–I have to be honest here, I don’t have a clue.

This one truly baffles me.  What is the  good deed that you can do that makes you automatically win the game?  Help an old lady across the street?  Help your mom clean the house?  Complete all your homework early?  All Wrong.  Instead, entering a dog in a pet show is the ultimate good thing you can do.  Can someone explain to me why this is a a positive thing?

Intended lesson–Reading comics instead of your assigned reading is bad.

Very good lesson here.  However, the use of the dunce hat sends a defeatist message to our children.  This type of negative re-enforcement in schools is why the United States does not have a top-rated educational system.

Intended lesson–If you see a cat stuck in a tree, help get it out.

No one can argue that saving a cat from a tree is a good thing. However, is it really worth 56 spaces and worthy of the most lucrative reward in the entire game? I think not. Chutes and Ladders shows that it is more important to help animals than to help a fellow human being.

Intended lesson–Eating will make you grow big and strong.

What a tease for those children who are just destined to be short.  Can you imagine the millions of children who believe if they just ate their entire dinner, they would become their ideal height.  Yes, Chutes and Ladders is to blame for the phenomena called the Bobby Brady syndrome in which children will do just about anything (including trying to stretch themselves on monkey bars) to become taller.

Intended lesson–Gardening can produce some nice results.

Advancing 37 spaces for a little gardening–please.  Maybe if she grew something that could help her parents lower their grocery bills like tomatoes or carrots I would feel better about this situation.

Intended lesson–Be nice to dogs

This really is a nice idea in theory, but would you really want your child conducting medical treatment on your dog?  Just what we need, thousands of kids thinking they have the expertise to heel woulds on animals or even other people.

Intended lesson–Obey No Skating signs

Obviously, the lesson is not debatable.  Still, one has to be baffled over the mild punishment given.  Lose 21spaces for risking your life.  Lose 38 spaces for pigging out on some chocolate.  Chutes and Ladders’ punishment fits the crime–FAIL!!!!!!!!!!!

Intended lesson–Hard work pays off

Let’s get real here.  This poor kid probably spend hours mowing some old ladies lawn with an ancient piece of equipment.  Yes, he made a couple of bucks and that is great.  Enough money to go crazy at a fair or amusement park–not so much.  If he was lucky in made enough money to go on like 2 rides and get a small soda.   I can’t imagine how many children out there saw this scenario and tried to make some extra money to go to the county fair, only to face the harsh reality of price gouging of a $6 hot dog.

Intended lesson–No good deed goes unrewarded.

What a cruel message to send to our youth.  I remember attempting to return a man’s wallet as a child.  The first thing he did was accuse me of taking money from it and did not get a dime as a reward.  Furthermore,  Chutes and Ladders again demonstrates a contradictory message regarding food.  Stuffing your face with chocolate–BAD.  Stuffing your face with ice cream is GOOD as long as you did a good thing.  And we wonder why we binge eat when we are depressed.  Thanks a lot Chutes and Ladders!!!

Intended lesson–Don’t play in the rain.

Give me a break.  He wore his rain coat and boots.  This scenario is a perfect example of the “wussification” of America.  The people responsible for this punishment are the same people who are trying to ban dodgeball in our schools.

Intended Lesson–Doing your chores will get you an allowance.

Okay, I really don’t have a problem with this one.  But Chutes and Ladders is still evil!!!!!!!!!!

Intended Lesson–Don’t torture your pet.

Ahhhh, the prime example of the Chutes and Ladders punishment not fitting the crime.  20 spaces for animal abuse???  No wonder Michael Vick didn’t think dog fighting was a big deal.  A 20 space punishment in Chutes and Ladders is roughly equivalent to a 1 game suspension and 50 hours of community service.  If I were Vick’s agent, I would be looking into a lawsuit against Milton Bradley for making Chutes and Ladders so unrealistic.

To all 37 or so of you  out there that will celebrate the first annual Red Stapler Day, I wish you the greatest day possible.   May your boss be sent away for a month for some corporate re-education.  May you be greeted with the arrival of a brand new copy machine and printer.  May the most annoying person in your workplace be fired for a same-sex sexual harassment claim.

To learn more about Red Stapler Day click the logo below

Now no holiday would be complete without its on song so . .

I’m dreaming of a Red Stapler
Just like the one that Milton had
Where the monitors glistens
and no one listens
‘Was last scene on the old mouse pad

I’m dreaming of a Red Stapler
With every TPS I write
May your flair be merry and bright
And tell all you bosses
to fly a kite

And remember, the second annual Red Stapler Day will be held June 7th, 2010