The Red Stapler Chronicles

A couple of weeks ago, 11 Russian spies were arrested on charges of being part of a long-term, deep cover espionage ring run by the Russian intelligence service.  These spies, including Anna Chapman (pictured below), were able to effectively blend into American neighborhoods.

So what were these Russian spies hoping to accomplish?  What type of information did they hope to obtain.  Luckily for you, the covert operations wing at The Red Stapler Chronicles (thanks Marina) was able to secure a top secret KGB document that listed the spies primary objectives.  Here is just some of what was on this document:

–Create a Facebook game that will waste billions of hours of American workers’ time to cripple their economy and drive them to drink more Vodka.

–Find out who will replace Simon on American Idol.

–Discover what exactly makes up the Kentucky Fried Chicken Original Recipe.

–Confirm if Justiin Bieber is really just a sophisticated robot created by Disney.

–Construct and distribute an IPhone app that will millions of dumb Americans will blindly download that will contain a virus that will allow us to continuously  monitor their communications.

–Determine what exactly happened on the last episodes of Soprano’s and Lost.

–Recruit Deadliest Catch Crab captains to sail and make profits for Mother Russia.

–Finalize the deal with Oprah to leave her show in 2012 to start similar show for the Russian Broadcast Network.

–Convince LeBron James to leave the NBA and join the Dynamo Moscow team.  If possible bring along Dwayne Wade and Chis Bosh.  In addition, since Putin is sick of tough interview questions, take Jim Gray as well.

–Find a way to discredit BP so that Lukoil can gain market share.

–Locate the inventor of the Snuggie and relocate him to a Siberian prison camp where he can receive his proper punishment for crimes against humanity.

–Destroy and Burn as many copies of The Hunt for Red October as possible.  Duplicate process for Red Dawn and Rocky IV.

–Use female operatives to discredit Tiger Woods to make room for Russian golfer Lev Andropov to take the PGA by storm.

–Find out the retirement status of Brent Favre so that appropriate NFL bets can be made.

–Get Sarah Palin elected in 2012 in hopes of reacquiring Alaska

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Think you are having a bad day? I think I know someone who can trump your little sob story. No, I am not talking about Lindsay Lohan again. Instead, this week’s Celebrity meltdown goes to Mel Gibson.

It has certainly been a tough couple of weeks for actor Mel Gibson. In case you have not heard, a series of phone conversations with the mother of his child, Oksana Grigorieva, have been released to the media. These tapes are definitely worth listening to, so I encourage you to listen to an example of one below.

Now for Mel Gibson, it is time for damage control if he ever hopes to work in Hollywood again. But has he done too much damage already? Only time will produce that answer.

Luckily for you, we at the Red Stapler Chronicles have an inside source at the public relations firm that he uses. The following are just some of the excuses that will be leaked to the public to attempt to explain his erratic behavior:

10.  As a celebrity, Gibson has gained access to the upcoming episodes of the second season of The Jersey Shore.  After a little alcohol, he might have forgotten, while blow jobs before the Jacuzzi are customary on this reality show, they are not automatic in real life.

9.  Mel has been overly jealous of fellow actor Kevin Costner since his oil cleanup device is getting all the attention.

8.  He failed in out biding LeBron James in order to secure Jim Gray to conduct his made for TV special, “I really do respect Blacks and Jews.”

7. Claimed that his behavior was caused by the constant blowing of the vuvuzelas that stuck in his head after Australia’s First Round World Cup exit.

6. Just concerned about friend Lindsay Lohan’s recent legal troubles.

5. Once one of the wealthiest person on Earth, Mel’s fortune has quickly evaporated as he was too highly invested in BP.

4. Was just really affected by seeing a Double Rainbow.

3.  Gibson has just been trying to win a “Who can act the craziest and ruin your career” bet with Signs co-star Joaquin Phoenix.

2.  Upset that his new Iphone 4 keeps on dropping his important calls to Danny Glover.

1.  Gibson falsely believed that he was a CIA agent (think A Beautiful Mind here) and was trying to expose Oksana as being part of the recent Russian spy ring.

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“My son is selling cookie dough to help pay for his high school band to play at a concert in Washington D.C.  Would you like to buy some?”

“We are going to order out today and try out that new Chinese restaurant.  What would you like?”

“Can you spare $10? We want to get Larry a nice retirement present.”

Yes, these are all things that you might hear at your office or workplace (Bonus points if you get the $100,000 pyramid reference) .  Unfortunately, for someone on a tight budget, the questions above can quickly derail your budget.  Luckily, there have been pioneers amongst us that have managed to solve these modern day predicaments.  Here are three famous success stories:

1. It was a spring day in 2004 at Vandelay Industries, when latex importer Kenny Bania discovered an ingenious way to get out of his company’s lottery club.  Each week, he was expected to put in $10 in a desperate attempt to win millions.  Frustrated by throwing away this money each and ever week and fueled by his desire to save money to take some comedy classes, Kenny decided it was time to take a drastic action.  The next day at work, Kenny announced that he was becoming a Morman to impress his fictional girlfriend  and could not participate in any kind of gambling activity.

2. In late 2007, Wally Pixar solved one of man’s greatest office dilemmas at the Modesto, California location of Buy N Large.  Wally liked to enjoy a cold Diet Coke during his lunch break so he visited the vending machine every day and donated $1.35 of his hard earned money.  However, Wally wanted to save enough money to buy his girlfriend Eve a big engagement ring.  Consequently, Wally had to choose between his love of Eve and his love of cold Diet Cokes.  So he made the obvious choice and decided on both.  Wally simply rescued the mini fridge that he had used in college from his parents’ basement and hid it under his desk. Using this strategy he was able to bring in Diet Cokes bought at a supermarket at a fraction of the cost of the vending machine.  Therefore, Wally was able to saved his money and purchase a ring for Eve in only a couple of months.

3. The Year was 1999 at Nakatomi Corporation, when a young Holly Gennaro successfully pulled off one of the great frugal office maneuvers of all time.  Trying to save some extra money to make a down payment on a new house, Holly grew increasingly sick of shelling out money every time on of her co-workers’ children were involved in some kind of charity sale for school or a club.  Yes, she liked Girl Scout Cookies and she did believe it was admirable that a child was trying to help raise extra funds for their soccer team.  However, Holly wanted to move into her dream house with her fiancee John as soon as possible.

As a result, Holly decided to frame a thank you letter that she received from the United Way for donating $5 two years ago in her cubicle.  In addition, she changed her email signature to include “Please Donate to the United Way.”   Finally, the next time she was asked to donate any money, she stated that she concentrates all her donations (which was technically true) to the United Way since they are so great.  Holly would then proceed to endlessly talk about the United Way and how it helped people.  In fact she did this so convincingly, she was soon known as the United Way lady at the office.  Quickly, people stopped asking her for money.

Okay, maybe these examples are a little extreme.  Still, I am sure that there is not a person in this country that has not fallen victim to one of these work related wallet shrinkers.

What are some workplace quandaries that you have experienced that threatened to deplete the funds in your banking account? How do you deal with these type of situations at work?

Leave a comment to let me know.

This post was featured as an Editor’s PIck at the 262nd Carnival of Personal Finance at Personal Finance Journey.

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