The Red Stapler Chronicles

Every year, millions of Americans gather in front of their televisions to watch the Super Bowl.  In fact, last year an estimated 98 million viewers watched the Pittsburgh Steelers defeat the Arizona Cardinals in thrilling fashion.

Even non-football fans tend to watch the Superbowl for various reasons.  Some watch for the half time show.  Others might watch it just because they are at one of the countless Super Bowl parties that will occur and want to keep up with the conversations.   But the number one reason why a non football fan watches the Super Bowl is clearly the commercials!

Advertisers pay up to $3 million dollars per thirty seconds to get their ad on during the Super Bowl.  Even in this tough economy, there will be some ads that just don’t make the cut.  This year, The Red Stapler Chronicles is proud to share with you the story boards of the top ten rejected Super Bowl commercials.

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Have you ever watched a movie in which all the problems are resolved, all those loose ends seem to be neatly tied up, and the main characters live happily ever after?  Of course you have.  Most Hollywood movies end with such a joyful ending that allows movie goers to leave the theater with a smile.

Unfortunately, as we all know, life does not always produce happy endings.  As a result, I think it is time to take a second look at some of Hollywood’s more famous movies and reveal what their true endings might be like.

Forrest Gump

How it ended–Forrest puts his son on the school bus and patiently waits on a tree stump for him to come back every day.  We are led to believe that Forrest will raise his child, even though Junior is already his academically superior.

A more realistic ending–Forrest is able to raise his child without his incident for about 6 months.  After young Forrest gets sick, because he served him expired shrimp for breakfast, school officials contact the Greenbow, Alabama child protection services.  They take young Forrest away, only to give him back 3 weeks later.  Rumors say that Lt. Dan helped Forrest give the agency a substantial bribe.  Years later, Forrest becomes the first victim of Bernie Madoff, who scammed him out of all his Bubba Gump and Apple fortunes.

Wizard of Oz

How it ended–Dorothy “wakes up” back in Kansas where she is surrounded by her family and friendly farmhands.  She now knows that there is no place like home.

A more realistic ending–Although Dorothy does appreciate everything she has for a little while, she quickly falls back into her bratty ways, complaining about everything, and dreaming about escaping the Kansas farm life.  After Elmira Gulch successfully lobbies to get Toto euthanized, Dorothy falls into a deep depression and starts abusing pain killers.  Later in life, for some unknown reason, Dorothy develops a fetish for “little people” that leads her to one destructive relationship to another.

Big

How it ended–Josh Baskin found the magical Zoltar machine that granted his wish to become big, and wishes that he return to being a kid.  He returns home to his family after a 2 month stint living in the city as an adult.

A more realistic ending–After the initial euphoria of being reunited with his family, authorities demand answers from Josh.  Where was he?  What did the kidnapper look like?  How did he escape?  Since Josh was not able to provide a plausible, consistent story, his mom concluded that he has a mental disorder.  Josh now is a patient at the Abe Frohman Psychological Hospital, where he has resided for the last 22 years.

Top Gun

How it ended–Despite being outnumbered, Maverick is able to exercise is guilt of losing Goose and defeat the enemy MiGs using his superior dog fighting skills.  He becomes a Top Gun instructor and lives happily ever after with Charlie.

A more realistic ending–As soon as she turns 32, Maverick dumps Charlie and starts dating a 21 year old Hooters waitress.  Maverick eventually gets kicked out of the Navy after an accident in which his wing grazed the air traffic control tower.  Two naval officers were burned in the ensuing fire and the air boss actually died due to a heart attack.  Maverick is now a part time singer at a local San Diego bar.

Dirty Dancing

How it ended–Johnny crashes the final dance performance at Kellerman’s and emancipates Baby from the corner.  The two perform a dance number and Baby’s dad apologizes to Johnny for believing that he knocked up Penny.  There are now no remaining obstacles preventing Johnny and Baby from being together.

A more realistic ending–By the next summer, Baby is pregnant and Johnny has left her alone to go on a dancing tour.  Keellerman’s has gone belly up because of a series of lawsuits  alleging sexual misconduct.  Baby’s sister Lisa, was recently kicked out of an American Idol audition after being rejected for the seventh straight year.

Rain Man

How it ended–Charlie Babbitt sends his brother Raymond back to Wallbrook on a train.  Even though Charlie has given up on his custody battle for Raymond, he promises to be a frequent visitor.

A more realistic ending–Once Charlie gets into financial trouble again, he abducts Raymond again and they go on another Vegas adventure.  However, casino security recognizes the pair and apprehends Charlie for a beat down session in a basement room.  Raymond, all alone in Vegas, ends up being busted by cops for solicitation a 52 year old prostitute wearing a shinny dress.

Armageddon

How it ended–The group of oil drillers are able to save the world by drilling 800 feet into a deadly rogue asteroid.  Rockhound is met on the NASA runway by a very appreciative Molly Mounds while Chick is greeted by his ex-wife and son.  Soon after, A.J. and Grace get married in front of all their friends.

A more realistic ending–Once Chic’s ex-wife is able to siphon away most of his reward money, she leaves him again and re-applies for a restraining order.  Molly Mounds leaves Rockhound after he pays back Vinnie the loan shark at 60% and runs out of money.  A.J. goes bankrupt after being sued by a rig worker who lost his left arm due to his recklessness.

Office Space

How it ended–Peter ends up working in construction, cleaning up a burnt down Initech.  Milton takes the travelers checks to a island resort where he is unhappy with the service.  Michael and Samir find jobs at Intertrode.

A more realistic ending–Obviously, in real life, even a fire would not prevent the authorities from figuring out that a significant amount of money was missing.  Peter is able to plant some evidence at the fire site that implicates Lumbergh and he ends up spending 8 years in a “pound me in the ass” prison.  Milton also get into trouble with the law for going postal on a hotel worker who made him change rooms.  Lastly, on a more positive note, Samir and Michael invent a better version of Twitter and make millions.

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In less than one month, the games of the 21st Winter Olympics will begin in Vancouver, Canada.  If they can divert enough resources away from the ongoing Leno/Conan late night drama, NBC will provide the television coverage of the games to millions of Americans.

Now most would believe that a small army of NBC staffers and interns are working around the clock to research the various athletes.  After all, how are we supposed to know who to root for in the Biathlon if we haven’t seen a five minute human interest production about the Norwegian athlete born without his left ear lobe.  Perhaps we would cheer for the wrong athlete in the Ladies 500 Short Track if we didn’t just learn from Jim Lampley that skater from South Korea once rescued a stuck hamster from an air conditioning duct.

However, I am here to let you in on a little secret.  Not a single second of research is required to put together  these sappy stories that air in between events.  Nope.  Instead, all the good people at NBC have to do is fill out this previously secret Olympic storyline generator and the rest is history.

Here are a couple of examples that were leaked to The Red Stapler Chronicles:

American skier (insert name)’s father was very wary of their son/daughter’s choice of sports.  You see, Mr. (insert name) broke his (pick any limb) at an early age and never skied again. In fact, this competition in (insert current Olympic site) will mark the first time that Mr. (skier’s name) has even been able to watch his son race.  Now back to Jim McKay Bob Costas in the studio.

It is ironic that Canadian farm boy (insert name) ended up becoming a world class Curler because of his least favorite chore.  Yes, you guessed it–more than any other job, (insert name) hated sweeping the family’s 2000 square feet barn the most.  This chore was actually assigned to his younger sister, but after she was diagnosed with (insert disease), she was no longer able to complete it.  Still, the countless hours spent sweeping the barn not only helped his family and sick sister, but also strengthened his “curling muscles.”

When American ice skater (insert name) won her first regional competition at age 7, it was obvious to her parents that they would need to send her to prestigious (insert Ukrainian coach) for further training.  Unfortunately, that meant a 3 hour drive each day.  Due to financial difficulties, Mr. (insert name) had to take on 3 jobs while Mrs. (insert name) home schooled this world class skater during the commute to and from the ice skating rink.  As a result, American champion (insert name) is not just competing for her country she is also attempting to recapture her parent’s investment, who are now over $250,000 in debt.

Chinese speed skater (insert name) has broken nearly every world record in his sport.  He has won the last three world championships and is the world’s most recognized speed skater.  But there is one prize that we have never seen wearing.  No, not an Olympic gold medal, which he won in 2006.  Instead, (insert name) has never been photographed wearing a smile.  Why doesn’t this 16 year old prodigy smile?  NBC sports has recently learned that (insert name) lives under constant threat that if he ever loses a race, his entire family will lose their government sponsored apartment and the flow of free (pick disease) medicine to his mother will stop.  Let’s go to Bonnie Blair for more on this situation. . .

(Insert Name) is trying to become the first person from an African country to medal in the Winter Olympic games.  Hailing from the country of (insert African country), his trip to Vancouver will mark the first time he has even seen snow.   He should see plenty of snow next fall when he plays hockey at Harvard.  (Insert name) plans on majoring in journalism and plans to follow in his idol, Bryant Gumbel’s, footsteps.

French Luge racer (insert name) was born without the ability to produce ear wax.  As a result, he has to go through painful (daily or weekly) treatments that hinder his training schedule.  (Insert name) discovered the two man luge as a method to use the flowing air to alleviate his ear pain.  He and his domestic partner expect to marry in the Spring and hope an Olympic gold is part of the head table’s centerpiece.

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When I was brainstorming about this post, I initially decided to name it, The Aunt Dolores Dilemma.  You all know my Aunt Dolores right?  Okay, even though some of my most loyal readers actually do know my Aunt, the rest of you have not had the pleasure of meeting her.  But don’t worry, in many ways you do know her.   You just call her by a different name like Aunt Gladys, Uncle Jack, or perhaps even Grandma.  What do these people have in common?  They are the people in your lives, despite their best and loving intentions, annually give you the worst possible holiday gifts.

Tea lights and votives and make your own belt sets
Franklin mint coin books and fake barbies with fishnets
Holiday sweaters with bells on drawstrings
These are a few of my favorite things

Poor Aunt Dolores.  She is the sweetest person who collects gifts year round from Home Shopping Networks, various Dollar stores, and probably thrift store or two.  In fact, her apartment was once so full of gifts that she could have easily ended up on an episode of Hoarders.  Unfortunately, the gifts that she picks out are rarely desirable and unlikely to be ever used.

So, what do you do with unwanted gifts?

1.   Return the gift–Of course, in my Aunt Delores example, this would be impossible.  However, in some cases you might be able to return the “dud gift” to the store where it was purchased.  How would you figure out where the gift came from without a receipt?  Let’s say you get a pair of ugly Arizona jeans for Christmas.  By typing Arizona jeans in a standard Google search, you will quickly find out that they are sold at JC Penny’s. and a trip to your local mall will be in your near future.

2.  Re-Gift it–Perhaps you actually know someone who would enjoy a make your own belt kit.  Re-Gifting also is perfect for people that you really don’t like, but feel obligated to conduct an annual gift exchange.  Bonus points are awarded to those that Re-Gift their worst gifts to someone who gives them a crappy gift.   Just don’t commit the cardinal sin in Re-Gifting–Thou shall not Re-Gift to the original gifter!!!

3.  Donate the gift–In some cases, donating the gift to your local thrift/goodwill store will actually return it to it’s original home (Unless you can actually find the land of misfit gifts near the north pole).

4.  Throw it away–Sadly, some gifts are so bad, that it is truly cruel to continue the cycle.  When trashing these gifts, be sure to break, burn, and/or completely destroy them, in order that they no one could possible dig them out of a dumpster and the entire bad gift life cycle will start again.

5.  Keep the gift–Suck it up and wear that ugly sweater the next time the gift bearer comes for a visit.  After all, it will make them happy that you are using the gift and doesn’t the saying go–”it is the thought that counts?”

Do you have any techniques in getting rid of those less desireable gifts?  Leave me a comment and let me know!

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