How We Decide Who to Root for During the Olympics

In less than one month, the games of the 21st Winter Olympics will begin in Vancouver, Canada.  If they can divert enough resources away from the ongoing Leno/Conan late night drama, NBC will provide the television coverage of the games to millions of Americans.

Now most would believe that a small army of NBC staffers and interns are working around the clock to research the various athletes.  After all, how are we supposed to know who to root for in the Biathlon if we haven’t seen a five minute human interest production about the Norwegian athlete born without his left ear lobe.  Perhaps we would cheer for the wrong athlete in the Ladies 500 Short Track if we didn’t just learn from Jim Lampley that skater from South Korea once rescued a stuck hamster from an air conditioning duct.

However, I am here to let you in on a little secret.  Not a single second of research is required to put together  these sappy stories that air in between events.  Nope.  Instead, all the good people at NBC have to do is fill out this previously secret Olympic storyline generator and the rest is history.

Here are a couple of examples that were leaked to The Red Stapler Chronicles:

American skier (insert name)’s father was very wary of their son/daughter’s choice of sports.  You see, Mr. (insert name) broke his (pick any limb) at an early age and never skied again. In fact, this competition in (insert current Olympic site) will mark the first time that Mr. (skier’s name) has even been able to watch his son race.  Now back to Jim McKay Bob Costas in the studio.

It is ironic that Canadian farm boy (insert name) ended up becoming a world class Curler because of his least favorite chore.  Yes, you guessed it–more than any other job, (insert name) hated sweeping the family’s 2000 square feet barn the most.  This chore was actually assigned to his younger sister, but after she was diagnosed with (insert disease), she was no longer able to complete it.  Still, the countless hours spent sweeping the barn not only helped his family and sick sister, but also strengthened his “curling muscles.”

When American ice skater (insert name) won her first regional competition at age 7, it was obvious to her parents that they would need to send her to prestigious (insert Ukrainian coach) for further training.  Unfortunately, that meant a 3 hour drive each day.  Due to financial difficulties, Mr. (insert name) had to take on 3 jobs while Mrs. (insert name) home schooled this world class skater during the commute to and from the ice skating rink.  As a result, American champion (insert name) is not just competing for her country she is also attempting to recapture her parent’s investment, who are now over $250,000 in debt.

Chinese speed skater (insert name) has broken nearly every world record in his sport.  He has won the last three world championships and is the world’s most recognized speed skater.  But there is one prize that we have never seen wearing.  No, not an Olympic gold medal, which he won in 2006.  Instead, (insert name) has never been photographed wearing a smile.  Why doesn’t this 16 year old prodigy smile?  NBC sports has recently learned that (insert name) lives under constant threat that if he ever loses a race, his entire family will lose their government sponsored apartment and the flow of free (pick disease) medicine to his mother will stop.  Let’s go to Bonnie Blair for more on this situation. . .

(Insert Name) is trying to become the first person from an African country to medal in the Winter Olympic games.  Hailing from the country of (insert African country), his trip to Vancouver will mark the first time he has even seen snow.   He should see plenty of snow next fall when he plays hockey at Harvard.  (Insert name) plans on majoring in journalism and plans to follow in his idol, Bryant Gumbel’s, footsteps.

French Luge racer (insert name) was born without the ability to produce ear wax.  As a result, he has to go through painful (daily or weekly) treatments that hinder his training schedule.  (Insert name) discovered the two man luge as a method to use the flowing air to alleviate his ear pain.  He and his domestic partner expect to marry in the Spring and hope an Olympic gold is part of the head table’s centerpiece.