Modern Day Douchebaggery–Twenty Ways to Join the Club

1.  You are always ready to top any story that anyone is ever able to tell.  For instance, if a co-worker starts telling the story about how she lost both of her parents in a terrible plane crash, you quickly make up a story that you lost all 3 of your parents in a plane crash that involved a bunch of poisonous snakes.

2.  You regularly get into physical fights with people who try to persuade you that Snakes on a Plane was actually not based on a true story.

3.  Order a quarter pounder at McDonald’s and take out your food scale to measure the actual weight of the meat.  Even after the 19 year old manager explains that the disclaimer is that the patty is weighed prior to cooking, you still cause a scene until you get a free milkshake.

4.  Insist that you get your paycheck from your part time job at the gym get cashed only in Fives and Ones since you like your wallet to look full.

5. Attend a wedding wearing your Abercrombie polo shirt (yes, with a popped collar) and with more gold chains than Mr.T.  During the actual ceremony, you loudly criticize the bride’s tanning skills and suggest that she would have been better off using your brand of hair gel.  Once the reception starts, you scream at the DJ for not playing enough music that you can fist pump to and then cause outrage by erotically grinding with the groom’s grandmother.

6.  The last time you had a conversation over two minutes that did not include profanity was when you were in the third grade.

7.  Ruin a movie for everyone by making a protein shake in the middle of the theater using your battery operated blender.  After it is done, drink it with a straw, constantly making loud slurping noises.

8.  On Facebook, you get mad when all of your friends do not respond to every single one of your moronic posts.  Even though you have never once wished someone a happy birthday, congratulating them on a new baby, etc, you decide to de-friend everyone who was unable to respond to your new status update within ten minutes of you posting it.

9. Speaking of Facebook, your profile picture portrays you shirtless and showing off your new misspelled Asian tattoo.

10. While in line at the DMV, you decide to place a series of phone calls to your girlfriend in which you repeatedly get into 4 minute long screaming matches.  Of course, the no cell phones allowed sign does not pertain to you in this time of personal life emergency.  After all, how will you survive if you are unable to call her a “stupid bitch” once every twenty minutes?  Once it is your turn, you anger the rest of the crowd further by insisting that they re-take your license photo seven times.

11. You think it is okay to park your 1998 Yellow Hummer in the middle of two handicap spots just because it looks like it is going to rain and you have already done your hair.

12.  And about that Hummer, you bought it last year and tell everyone that the previous owner was a rapper who never got to use it since he was always on the west coast.  In reality, you got ripped off by the used car guy since you paid $15,000 for that piece of shit and you get about 4 miles to the gallon.

13.  Your cell phone ring tone is Barbie Girl from Aqua.

14.  Eat at Taco Bell for your previous four meals before boarding a transcontinental flight.  As soon as the captain takes down the seat belt sign, take care of some business in the rest room. Obviously, you forget to flush and before you exit you disable any type of air freshener devices that are present.  For bonus points, request a seat next to the bathroom, so you can enjoy watching the face of each horrified passenger as they enter and exit the debacle that you created.

15.  It is the bottom of the ninth inning in which your home town team’s pitcher is in the middle of a no hitter and you are at crowded sports bar.  You decide that this is a good time to tell everyone that they are stupid for believing in the dumb superstition about not talking about no hitters in progress.  When the next pitch results in a single, breaking up the gem, you then start calling the pitcher a choke artist and call for him to be traded.

16.  Your favorite teams are the New York Yankees, Dallas Cowboys, Los Angeles Lakers, and Notre Dame even though you have never lived in any of those cities and only spent one semester at a community college.

17.  Ask a Girl Scout if they have a low calorie cookie and then give her a five minute lecture about how many unhealthy ingredients that each cookie contains.

18.  You decide to explain to your little 4 year old niece that Santa Claus is not real and prove it to her by showing where your older sister has hidden all the gifts.  The following year, you have a hissy fit when you find out that you have not been invited to Christmas dinner.

19.  Go to your local supermarket and proceed to go aisle to aisle gathering supplies to make a sandwich worthy of being featured on Man vs Food.  Once you are finished creating your masterpiece, eat about 75% of it and then complain to the manager that the meat is bad.  Clearly, you will not be paying for anything today.

20.  Write a stupid blog post that will waste the time of all 5 of your readers and . . .