The Red Stapler Chronicles

Recently, American archaeologists discovered a major find that is certain to inspire National Treasure 5 or 6 or maybe even both.  What did they find you ask?  The Holy Grail?  Proof of alien help at the pyramids?  Tom Cruise’s application to Planet Out?  Nope.  Instead, the American team of scientists discovered the following document, nicknamed Life’s Cheat Sheet.  This archaeological treasure, which many just believed was an urban legend, was developed in late 2008 by a group of stoned students competing in an academic decathlon at the prestigious Adams college.

“Wait - would you rather live in the ascendancy of a civilization or during its decline?”–Revenge of the Nerds

To really answer this question, use the United States as an example.  Would you rather have traveled the Oregon Trail, hoping to avoid dysentery, shooting buffalo for food, and praying that your wagon axle does not break?  Or would you rather sit on your ass eating four different kinds of combo’s watching Judge Judy? Decline by a mile!!!

“Are those sad tissues or happy tissues?”–Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Take it from a large group of subject matter experts–both tissues are kind of sad.

“If you wake up at a different time in a different place, could you wake up as a different person?”–Fight Club

We were not really sure about this one until the entire Joaquin Phoenix fiasco proved that this is in fact true.

“Alright, alright, Mickey’s a mouse, Donald’s a duck, Pluto’s a dog. What’s Goofy?”–Stand by Me

Perhaps no question in modern day history has been debated so feverishly.  Is he a man, after all he drives a car, walks upright, and talks.  Is he a dog, with his flappy ears, canine teeth, and the fact that he just looks like a dog?

Because of lame answers from Disney executives this mystery was not truly put to rest until February of 2006.  Relaxing with his family after the Pro Bowl, NFL quarterback Michael Vick got into an altercation at Disney World.  Authorities report that Vick was unhappy with one of the Disney mascots bumping in to him while in line for Space Mountain.  The identity of the mascot, you guessed it–Goofy.  Case Closed he is a dog!!

If you could go back in time to Germany, before Hitler came to power, knowing what you know now, would you kill him?–The Dead Zone

Of course.  But don’t forget to place a couple of bets before you get back in the DeLorian.

When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you’re insane? Maybe you’re just sitting around, reading “Guns and Ammo”, masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, “Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!”? Yeah. Do you guys do that?–Seven

Nope.  Instead, they tend to become Scientologists.

Do you have to be depressed to write a sad song? Do you have to be in love to write a love song?–Almost Famous

No, all you need is expanded cable.

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?–Animal House

Yes, the guy who took over for Hitler (after you killed him) was more of a navy guy and the Germans concentrated on the Pacific front rather than Europe.  However, the German’s attack on Pearl Harbor only served to “wake the sleeping giant” and the Allies emerged victorious in WWII

Is the colonel’s underwear a matter of national security?–A Few Good Men

Unless we are talking about Colonel Sanders (Going commando is against most state’s restaurant sanitation laws), no such provision exists in any law including the Patriot Act.

So how long do I wait to call?–Swingers

2 days? 3 days? A week?  More research is needed on this on so, okay, we lied.  Some questions still have not been answered.

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