Now that the David Einhorn deal fell through, the Mets are in need of a new minority owner to pump in some much needed money into the team. Luckily, a member of the Red Stapler Spy Network was able to gain access to an internal Sterling Doubleday memo that lists the top 8 candidates to replace Einhorn.
1. Scrooge McDuck
Pros–Could use his Scotish temper to fire up the players during losing streaks. McDuck could also use one of his pools full of gold coins to get a new starting pitcher and replace the entire Mets’ medical staff.
Cons–There would be no clean line of succession when the elderly McDuck passes away as a three way power struggle between nephews Huey, Dewey, and Louie would likely occur. In addition, McDuck would name his 3rd cousin, Chris “Mad Dog” Russo, do play by play with his famous duck like voice.
2. Montgomery Burns
Pros–Has experience in putting together an all star team with the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant Softball Team. He could also threaten players with reactor cleaning duty if they made too many errors.
Cons–Might insist on naming long time companion Waylon Smithers as General Manger.
3. Willy Wonka
Pros–Wonka has proved that he has a eye for talent and making deals that was demonstrated with his negotiations with he Oompa Loompas. Also, candy concessions at the ball park would certainly be a strength.
Cons–Making every ticket gold would eventually cause financial problems and would limit the number of premium free agents the team could sign.
4. Montgomery Brewster
Pros–As a retired semi-pro baseball pitcher, Brewster would have the most actual baseball experience out of all the candidates.
Cons–Might insist on trying to pitch for the team and his none of the above votes during important meetings would get annoying very fast.
5. John Hammond
Pros–Perhaps the best marketer of the group, Hammond would use countless gimmicks to attract the crowds. Citi Field would end up being more like a theme park than just a baseball stadium.
Cons–Would be under constant suspicion that he was genetically engineering his baseball players.
6. Prince Akeem of Zamunda
Pros–Understands the inner workings of Queens and any man who literally has his own currency could ensure that Jose Reyes would be re-signed.
Cons–Having McDowell’s as the exclusive food vendor at Citi Field would prove boring after a few games. Also, members of the Mets might start using too much Soul Glow and begin making errors because their hands are greasy.
7. Ari Gold
Pros–Who better to lead the Mets back to glory than the super agent that helped Vincent Chase gain and then re-gain his star power?
Cons–His connections and power might be too west coast based and he might be better off buying the Dodgers. Also, if he can not patch things up with Mrs. Ari, she would get half the team during the divorce proceedings.
8. Forrest Gump
Pros–Like he was to his war buddy Bubba, Gump would be loyal to his players and would always keep his word. Gump would also make the players in the minor league system wear special leg braces that would increase their overall speed by the time they were ready for the majors.
Cons–His lack of intelligence could result in him easily being tricked into resigning Oliver Perez and Jason Bay to long term multimillion dollar contracts
