A couple of weeks ago, 11 Russian spies were arrested on charges of being part of a long-term, deep cover espionage ring run by the Russian intelligence service. These spies, including Anna Chapman (pictured below), were able to effectively blend into American neighborhoods.
So what were these Russian spies hoping to accomplish? What type of information did they hope to obtain. Luckily for you, the covert operations wing at The Red Stapler Chronicles (thanks Marina) was able to secure a top secret KGB document that listed the spies primary objectives. Here is just some of what was on this document:
–Create a Facebook game that will waste billions of hours of American workers’ time to cripple their economy and drive them to drink more Vodka.
–Find out who will replace Simon on American Idol.
–Discover what exactly makes up the Kentucky Fried Chicken Original Recipe.
–Confirm if Justiin Bieber is really just a sophisticated robot created by Disney.
–Construct and distribute an IPhone app that will millions of dumb Americans will blindly download that will contain a virus that will allow us to continuously monitor their communications.
–Determine what exactly happened on the last episodes of Soprano’s and Lost.
–Recruit Deadliest Catch Crab captains to sail and make profits for Mother Russia.
–Finalize the deal with Oprah to leave her show in 2012 to start similar show for the Russian Broadcast Network.
–Convince LeBron James to leave the NBA and join the Dynamo Moscow team. If possible bring along Dwayne Wade and Chis Bosh. In addition, since Putin is sick of tough interview questions, take Jim Gray as well.
–Find a way to discredit BP so that Lukoil can gain market share.
–Locate the inventor of the Snuggie and relocate him to a Siberian prison camp where he can receive his proper punishment for crimes against humanity.
–Destroy and Burn as many copies of The Hunt for Red October as possible. Duplicate process for Red Dawn and Rocky IV.
–Use female operatives to discredit Tiger Woods to make room for Russian golfer Lev Andropov to take the PGA by storm.
–Find out the retirement status of Brent Favre so that appropriate NFL bets can be made.
–Get Sarah Palin elected in 2012 in hopes of reacquiring Alaska
The KGB forgot that the Cold War is over!
Hehe, great post! I’m sure that list exists somewhere in Russia!
great post.
But it seems they have already build the facebook game since zynga has russian funds
KGB never forget cold war, they are doing the same at the moment, but this is bed for russia first of all.
this is very bad i hope russia will become more democratic country
good luck to spy hunters
ps; nice post
thanks
Don’t you think it’s crossing the line when, as an indivividual or a society, we start making fun of American Idol?
Cold war is over and there is no sign of war what so ever and I cannot understand why Russians are still reluctant to deploy their spy.
Cold war is also over isn’t it?
You forgot to mention the Russian’s secret plan to replace all other imported Vodka with the Stolichnaya brand.
Na Zdrowie!
This post provides some much needed comic relief, thank you!
I don`t know what the Russians want, but I surely like Anna Chapman. She’s hot!
Oh…k. You’re so weird Kevy. lol.
This is very bad i hope russia will become more democratic country
Great post… it brings smile in my face.. esp. facebook part..
Good list haha. I hate Farmville!
Russia is a good country and there are many smart people there, but because the land is too big, there are many crazy and uneducated people too.
I cannot understand why Russians are still reluctant to deploy their spy.
Russians will always try to become the #1 superpower that the united states has control of.
This post has a really good humor. I had a great laugh! Cheers…